Schizo? Or...brilliant?

Ladies and gents, I would call your attention to these pictures you see before you, hereafter entered into evidence:

EXHIBIT A

X-ZIBIT B

You see before you, my friends, evidence that on the day of the nineteenth of June, 2007, the defendant did neglect to correctly close the front right window of her automobile and she did abandon her vehicle for over twenty-four hours, and upon that day, four thousand inches of rain did fall in the county of Waterford. I will draw your attention if I may, to the full inch of water collected in the little groove-thingy in the driver's door-handle, evident so clearly in exhibit A; also to the quite blatantly rain-flecked appearance of the car's interior. Not pictured is the extremely wet (I might go so far as to say saturated) driver's seat cushions, neither the curiously vile smell of wet foam mingling with the cola-scented Wallace and Gromit in-car air freshener. Available for your inspection upon application is the defendant's wet ass-

I object! The prosecution is inferring that I have a wet ass by rule, and that I did wet that ass in a manner unseemly to grown adults normally in full control of their bodily functions!

I merely stated that the defendant did, on the aforementioned evening, sit upon these rain-sodden car cushions, the cushions rain-soaked by her own negligence, and then did proceed to walk around in public view with a wet ass, with little thought to what innocent members of the public would think of seeing such an ass. I ask you here today, are these the actions of a sane, well-adjusted, competent individual? Are they? Are they?

...

Objection overruled.

Thank you, your Honour. I will proceed. I also suggest to you today that on the evening of the seventeenth of June, the defendant did leave her automobile overnight in the public car-park of a town notorious for drunken carousing from the some of the commonest, coarsest people in the island of Ireland. She left this poor car, my friends, with the doors unlocked. Not one door, but all four.

BurbleburbleburbleGoodGod!Burbleburbleburble

Quiet in the courtroom! Counsel, illuminate me on one fact: What is this town you speak of, this den of vice and sin and all things abhorrent to an honest man?

Tramore, your Honour.

BurbleburbleburbIIIIIEEEEEE!!-

Guards! Take that fainting woman away!

If I may continue-?

You may, but take heed not to speak such profane words in my courtroom again.

I apologise. It is fortunate, ladies and gentleman, that we live in a kinder, gentler world than the foul actions of this pitiful wretch might suggest. Because on this evening, when her automobile lay open to the four winds, open like the private diary of a young girl, plundered for it's tenderly-trusted secrets by her cruel and insensitive brother, open like a mysterious door at the end of a dark and gloomy corridor that you shouldn't be in, open like the 24 hour Tesco on the Ardkeen road, open like a-

You digress, oh-esteemed-member-of-the-legal-profession.

That I do, your Honour: such is the HEINOUSITY [newly invented word, as the English language does not possess words enough to suffice in this occasion] of this crime that I am forced by my own fragile and shocked mind to spout such ridiculous garbage. ... I can only thank God, and the good work of the much-praised and tireless Garda Siochana, that no petty thief expressed any interest in the twenty-six empty cigarette boxes, , the broken cassette tapes, the damp swimsuit and beach towel, the banana peels-

I OBJECT! There is only one banana peel in my car! Any extra banana peels found therein were planted by a malevolent person or persons unknown in an evil attempt to besmirch my character!

Young lady! I will not have such behaviour in my courtroom! Sit down and keep quiet! And put your top back on. That won't cut it, not this time.

May I continue, your Honour?

First, I would like to ask you a question regarding this hideous tale you recount to us today. Are you telling me that this individual, this feckless and moronic tool of Satan, this shifty character with a seemingly non-existent knowledge or regard for car maintenance or safety, has at some point operated an automobile on an open road? A road with people on it?!

Your Honour, she has operated this vehicle on the open road, and continues to do so to this day.

BurbleburbleburbleburbleOfAllTheNerve!Burbleburbleburbleburble

Silence! Silence in this courtroom, I say!

Out on the Wild Windy Moors

I have generally negative affection for children. Oh yes, they adore me and flock to my side, as does every human person equipped with a heart and the ability to appreciate pure loveliness, but on an individual basis I'm kinda shit. It's their soulless, dead eyes that get me most. I can't talk to things that won't talk back, and the under twos and the shy-feigning under fives get me most. 'How old are you, then?' I will say to a small person. Nothing. Maybe a bit of drool or something but for conversational purposes, zilch. 'Thirteen weeks' their proud parent will say which gives me even less because what serious person gauges age in weeks? For example, I am 1247 weeks old. What does this mean? Absolutely nothing. If I tell you I am getting drunk next Wednesday to celebrate the 24th anniversary of the conclusion of my mothers first pregnancy, what do you know now? EXACTLY.

A young man and his mother came into my place of work (a pharmacy, today. Tomorrow, who knows? I don't!) because she couldn't afford toys. Or a babysitter. Oh, yeah, she pretended it was to buy hydro cortisone cream for his eczema (btw, do all babies have eczema? Seems like it. Gross) but really it was because she is cheap and bored of watching him smash her house up. The tyke took off careening round the shop, grabbing at anything that was of interest to him (which, since he is about 18 months old is anything that is three dimensional or coloured). I turned a blind eye, because in my experience one is generally supposed to find other people's children delightful no matter what they do, so eyes must be turned blindly, even when they start shitting up everything they can reach.

Until the fucker ran right into the shop window and started stomping on the Berocca display. Hell no. Do you know how long it took me to get those posters hanging straight? 'Shaaaaane' sighed his mother as he started to scream, having discovered that a)the shop window is ten inches wide and impossible to turn around in, b)THERE IS NO WAY OUT and OMG, cars rushing past outside the glass! You, the average, sane individual may be perturbed by the shrill cries of a toddler stuck in a glass corridor, but she, inexplicably, was not.

So it was up to your hero to rescue the little rascal. I thrust aside the Max Factor stand and elbowed my way through last month's Nicorette display, hitting my head on a glass shelf in the process. What I don't do...

'Shane' I said softly to the grubby-cheeked ball of chub sitting on a busted Vichy posterboard, who was working hard to scrub snotty tears deeper into his blotchy red cheeks. 'Maaaaa!' he whimpered back, and threw his filthy claws up to me, greyish tears tracking cleanly down his three chins. 'Maaaaa!' was the cry that went directly to Lucy's empty uterus. But, yeah, I didn't do biology in school so it was probably just my stomach grumbling.

...

Dude, I melted.

I lured him out by shaking a bottle of Looney Tunes bubble bath in front of him then soothed him and petted his scabby little brow until he could draw a deep, grief-stricken breath. 'Good boy!' I exclaimed. 'Who's a good boy? Shane's a good boy!' Then I patted his head. Dogs and children are pretty much the same in my book.

By the time I handed the young vandal back to his indifferent mother, he had cried a thousand years of snotty woe on to my shirt. Heaving the wordless hulk under her arm, she left. I watched them go and my ovaries pinged into overdrive. I wanted me a Shane! I wanted a grimy lump of baby to wipe goo off and snuggle! Just as I was headed off to pick up an ovulation kit and find me some manseed, I spotted the Cortopin sitting on the counter. 'Martina, that woman forgot her cream!' I said to my boss.

'Oh no,' said she, 'it wasn't eczema at all. They're headed to the doctors now; I think his scabby things are chicken pox.

'By the way, you have phlegm on your shoulder.'

'Isn't it so me? Isn't it more me than it's ever been?'

I wanted:


Crossed with:

I got:
Blame my horrendous forlocked brow if you will; I'll continue to shake my fist at the heavens and curse the day I offended the Gods by murdering Alison Moyet's Weak in the Presence of Beauty at Christmas Kareoke. Or something. The list is getting a bit long for me to carry around by now.

Why isn't everything the way it is on MTV?

-is the title of my debut album. Visceral and challenging, it raises pertinant questions concerning modern life, pop culture and humanity's obsession with the commercial in, uh, modern life. Tentative release date May 2008, depending on my recording commitments.

OMG, so much happened! Ultimately, I can't share with you these happenings because on closer inspection, they proved to be of the mundane and joy-killing type. And in case this is your first visit to a blog, mundane joy-kills are soooo not what blogs are about. They're all about the sexy, fierce, MEGA stuff. Like 'Now, I am a man' or 'Lately, I've been experimenting with bisexuality. Alone'. Not 'Recently, I got a totally fugly haircut. That hairdresser is so dead. But I won't actually do anything about it cos I think she may be mad at me for getting off with her brother, like, hello! years ago!' or 'Have I told you yet about the mildly amusing anecdote regarding a briefly mislaid wallet? No?! Sit down, pull up a bean-bag! The ending is vaugely anti-climactical but you won't even notice because you'll have drifted off!'.

Stay tuned for multi-various incidents of fun, recounted here as soon as I can fabricate them!

Where is the Love? Here is the love! Show me the love!

Get your own valentinr

Was the five o'clock shadow there before?

I honestly don't know where I find the time to do things like this, what with the three jobs and the hectic social life and all (Social life? Where? Catch it!), but somehow I managed to squeeze it in between cleaning my laptop keys and de-linting the washing machine. I give you this. And these, the results. Or, as I like to call it, 'Lucy, if...'. You may call it Ugly-Picture-Post, I don't care. But know that if you do, I won't love you quite as much as I do the other kids.



Here I am, the original hottie. Yes, yes, I know; my beauty has sent you into a tailspin of depression. I get that a lot. There's a reason I'm known around these parts as 'Tramore's resident Goddess'. Also 'Tramore's favourite whory daughter' but that's only in certain very distasteful circles.

Now: Baby Lucy!


Zoinks!, as everyone's favourite dog-detective would say. The cuteness is giving your cavities cavities.

Lucy the younger:


Oh yes. What an adorable (if oversized) brow! Those fabulous blue eyes, how they sparkle with intellect and charm! I can see this child lolling on piano stools with black velvet bows in her hair in some novel. Someone once told me I had an historic countenance, actually. Whether that meant consumptive or just merely 'before the age of cosmetic surgery', I never got to find out.

Lucy the teenager:


Woah. Back, hormones. What's with the ears? Do teenager's ears pop out like that, like Dumbo's? Yeeesh. Stop scowling like that, young wan. Up to your room and read some more Sylvia Plath with ya.

And, brace thy loins, Lucy the Elder:


I can't say this in a nice way so I'll just say it: this looks scarily like my mother.

Now for the nice part: Artists impressions. First, Mucha:


I think I can safely say that Mucha is pretty much my favourite person right now. So pretty! Can I have this one for my driver's licence? Dependent on me actually getting one, obvs.

Botticelli:


Dude. I hate that guy.

Modigliani:


That guy is so never painting my portrait.

Now the funness. East-Asian:


West-Asian:


Afro-Caribbean:


God, I'm lucky I was born white.

And finally, the one all you ladies have been waiting for, Lucy as a boy:



Wow. I would totally fancy myself if I were a boy. Maybe not in the girly blouse and with all the hair though. Seriously, put your hands up to your monitor and cover up the hair. And, um, the ears. Hubba-hubba. Male-Lucy, I adore you.

CAUTION: Fuck-ups and unabashed pleading contained herein

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but somehow my laptops gone horizontal on me. And I can't switch it back. And before you ask, no, turning it off and on again didn't work. Nor did blinking hard and saying 'ta-da!'. So you could say I've exhausted all reasonable avenues. What to do, what to do. Come on nerds, muster your wisdom and advise me! You've got to be of some use to me, otherwise what am I keeping ye on the books for? Please? I'm developing an aggressive crick in my neck.

And no snotty remarks about my wallpaper, k? I mean it, shitheads. No, you grow up. No, you. Stop calling me pretentious or I'll tell Mom.

Everyday I learn something new

Note to self: when one complains for hours about excessive heat and stiffling conditions in work environment, do not go on to claim one closed fire-escape door because of excessive chill, thus locking lovely and entertaining new co-worker engaged in breaktime cigarette outside in drafty alley for fifteen minutes and forcing aforementioned lovely co-worker to climb wall and knock on canteen window for assistance. Such behaviour might be considered contradictory and one could be mistakenely thought to be possessing malicious intent towards lovely co-worker. Such behaviour might, possibly, inspire lovely co-worker to put horrible things in one's possibly pretentious herbal tea. Possibly.

What's it even there for?

Sheeesh. You drive onto the kerb a few times and you get this! Talk about your shoddy car manufacturers! Now people stare at me as I rattle round town. And not in a good way. Get over it, people! I'm not staring at your big, ugly-ass head, am I?! No, I'm not. Some of us have manners. And problems gauging distance.

We've all been so blind

Yeah, yeah, I know all you internet nerds have seen this already but believe it or believe it not, there are some people in the universe who haven't. And they all live in Tramore. I don't see what the big deal is. So she wears a wig, so what. So do most lustrous-locked black lady-singers. Though Jamelia might want to lay off the extensions a bit. But what do I know about looking good?

...

Ha, sorry, it's just that I'm so fucking funny some times. So Beyonces human, big deal. This is like that time when someone walked in on me putting on lipgloss in the Vic bathrooms and fainted from the shock. I was all, 'like, hello! So I wear make-up, big deal! I don't wake up looking this good! Jeez!'

Me and B, we're human, just like you. Only a better-looking human.

PS: Also she's thirty-two, which I most patently am not. So I win this round, Knowles.

My baby!

...

I dunno. Am I supposed to feel maternal towards this hunk of metal which cost me most of my life savings? Indulgent? Grateful? Loving? Most people might be delighted to have a car they own outside their home. Most people might be delighted to know they can now drive to the shops when they are in desperate need of fags, or Weetabix, or bubble gum. Most people, me... not so much.

It's not that I'm scared of driving exactly; more that I'm scared of crashing and killing someone. Nah, scratch that, my insurance broker might google me and read this. I'm scared of not caring if I crash and kill someone. I mean, my on-road driving experience amounts to about ten hours, total. On the other hand, my experience in playing computer-based driving-simulation type games amounts to about 200 hours. In the latter, skidding into a wall and writing off my vehicle amounted to little more than an muttered invective and a new game. The former...well, stalling in heavy traffic led to minor palpitations and near self-urination.

Am I taking this too seriously? It's just sitting there, begging to be driven in all it's metallic lavender glory (I named it's shade; my mother calls it 'dirty grey'). I only discovered the radio volume controls under my wipers lever the other day when Maggie came over and gave me a tour of my own car ('Oh great, you have dual air-bags!' 'The girls thank you for noticing, Mag, but can we focus on the car now?'). It's frightening. And it shouldn't be. I mean, idiots are driving cars. Roisin, Niamh, Danielle, my mother, the list is endless. I am obviously possessing of a superior intelligence to these people- as I am wont to point out, IhaveadegreeforChristsake.

Tch. Don't panic, I'll get right on the driving thing. I do have an ambition to drive the 32 counties. Or 31, I'm discounting Leitrim. 'Cos everyone else does, obvs. In other news, I am preparing to donate blood because I have ludicrously valuable blood despite the pathetic infrastructure it supports and as part of my prep am swallowing down iron tablets good-o. Iron supplements...they do something disgusting that is not declared on the back of the packet though. Take one, and see. Just one will do it. 24-pack is about three quid: do it and see. I haven't sunk so low in search of blog-worthy material to tell you what it is they do.

Although, maybe in a few weeks...?

Nothing to report

Nope, not a thing. Nothing doing. All quiet on the Lucy front. Nothing happening. Nary a bean. No news here my friend, everything's dull as dull...

Hang on, what's this in my hand...?

I have an amazing story to tell you, one that will change your life and how you view the world!

Ah...

Forgotten it. Nevermind, it'll come back. The good ones always do. Anyway, I've been reading a lot of books lately. Or buying them and stacking them beside my bed in case anyone comes in to photograph me. Point is, there is always somewhere to rest my glass of wine. Aha. Novels these days though, they let me down. I recently read this book a friend of mine had loaned me and it was terribly gripping and I read it until two in the morning. Two! Then, overcome with the joys of reading and the thrilling thrust of the storyline, I texted this friend and berated her for not telling me the main character AND NARRATOR had died. Then, funnily enough, it turned out she hadn't yet read the book. Hahahaha.

So I am writing my own novel now. I started to write it at the beginning of November and joined this club where everyone was writing a book in November but that got horrendously boring. And limiting. Let me just say, don't join the club I have just mentioned because they send you horrible, encouraging emails telling you not to give up on your book and then THEY ASK YOU FOR MONEY. I have no money. Well, I have, but it's in a place I can't get to it, ie. my bank.

I can't tell you about the book because I can't have you steal the ideas contained therein, and there are so few truly original plotpoints available nowadays that I can't squander such downright excellent ones as those I have now. Suffice to say, the main themes came to me in a dream one night after I'd had a few and the story involves a girl called Martina and a boy named Rob. Rob thinks everyone on the telly is talking to him and Martina is secretly in love with Rob but she doesn't know it yet. I plan to build up the sexual chemistry until it is unbearable and everyone reading just wants to scream 'just sleep with each other, for God's sake! And have adorable children!'. There's something about skiing and a chase sequence when the heroine is wearing really uncomfortable shoes. Then I will kill off a main character in a manner that leaves everyone going 'Wow. Who coulda seen that coming?' But who will I kill off? You'll just have to wait until it hits the shelves in your local booksellers. But be warned, I'm publishing under a pseud...psyeud... false name as I don't want my internet fame to piss all over my book's chances. So you'll just have to scan every book for mention of Martina and Rob* until you find it.

*I may change Rob's name to Angela. I haven't entirely worked out the politics yet.

I've just remembered the amazing story. It's not that good and the punchline needs work. I'll tell you some other time.

The Seeger Sessions

How to turn a bad day good, part the first

Don't worry your pretty little head over what it is; point is that it arrived today, three weeks before it was due and made me hop up and down a little in delight. I haven't been hopping much lately. I never get post except from loan companies offering me credit cards* so when an unexpected present you bought yourself turns up early, you have to hop a little.

*Oh yeah, and from Mona, who cuts out job ads and sends them to me with little inspirational messages written on them. 'Go for it, Luce!' Thanks Mona, she who keeps faith when all around her are losing theirs.

I like to go FAAAAAST. But it's scary

My driving is going well, thanks for asking. My only problems linger in gears, steering, lights, wipers, mirrors, braking, accelerating, stopping, starting, roundabouts and reversing. Oh, and other cars. Other cars are a bitch. Everytime I see another car coming near me I screech 'back, fuckhead, baaaack!'. My driving instructor loves me. Who doesn't, I hear you ask. Exactly. The other day we were approaching Riverstown and he said 'okay, we're going to take a right here' and I duly swung my indicators to the left. Yeaaa!

Oh, and pedestrians? FUCK OFF. If you dare to cross the road in front of me I will run you over. I have serious troubles slowing the car down without cutting out so if it's between your life and me having to restart my car in the middle of the road... well, I don't even know you. And I love me.

No goats sacrificed

The Pagan wedding SUCKED. Druids new year, my eye, Dee. There I was, all set for a naked handfasting in a clearing and Dee's goddamned mother steps in and insists it has to be in a church. I had to take communion and everything! Don't worry, I never swallow.

Also, newly discovered fact: Lucy gets an unexplained moistness in her eyes during the groom's speech: 'Deirdre is my life and the only gift I will never get tired of being grateful for.' Tune in tomorrow to discover that Lucy has large muscley thing in chest which pumps blood! Who knew?!

Pity I'm so *NICE*

Okay, so I'm posting drunk again, but it's past three am on a Friday so I think I'm in the clear. Are YOU sober? Thought not.

I'd like to share with you the story of a persistent male. His name is Peter. I don't deal in lies intentionally so his name actually is Peter. He likes to be called 'P' though. 'Cos he's a wanker. Whoops, there goes my objectivity.

"Peter is on a Stag night in Tramore. [You're aware of the concept, I presume? What you're grappling with is the fact that someone actually chose to have their Stag in Tramore. I know. Wow. Anyway, back to Peter.] Peter is thirty-something and from Laois, not a crime in itself though fast approaching one, standing in a bitch of a disco in a dump of a town, when three hot girls walk in. There are four girls in the entire place and one of them is behind the bar. It's a Friday night in rural Waterford. Options are limited.

Peter sidles up to the three girls. They giggle, as girls are inclined to do whenever the mood takes them, and engage with him in light-hearted banter. It is light-hearted. They banter. One, a foxy brunette in Levis, catches his eye. Boy, is she hot. He asks and finds out her name is Lucy. Wow. Hotname. She slips outside for a cigarette; Peter follows. He makes a crap joke; she laughs. I have my prey, thinks Peter, she is mine. She has smiled in my presence. I need no more encouragement. Peter employs regular seduction techniques such as Standing Around In Front Of Her So She Can't Leave and eventually swoops for the snog.

'No', says Lucy, 'I'm good, man, I'm with the girls, d'ya know?'

Aaaaaagh, says Peter, she is so playful! Let me follow her around the disco all night and try to hold her hand! He surveys his quarry: she is practically alone, ignoring those three young women and four young men hanging around her. I will certainly seduce her away from those (seven) losers and into my (rented) bed. And I will accomplish this by standing beside her all night and holding her hand. Oh yes, she plays with me. She shirks my grip as soon as I clasp her hand and ignores me when I try to show her my Scissor Sister dance moves (elbows clamped; finger guns). Her friend, the busty one laughs at me but I am not discouraged. Lucy is my love!

I buy her a drink. She says she doesn't want it 'cos she's working in the morning. I laugh! She's doing nothing except getting my breakfast tomorrow! She ignores the drink. So I buy her another. What more does a girl want except a liquid demonstration of one's interest? The teasing lass ignores my second drink. And I am stumped. What more does she want?

Then, when she slips off up the road I follow her. What girl does not enjoy a thrilling chase?? She is stood beneath a brolly with her bosom buddies, eating chips from a greased-up bag. They discuss taxis. Realising the romance in her intention, I extend a sure arm and grasp her around the waist. This night, fractured and imperfect as it was, all led to this.

Her body swivels and my heart constricts; her face turns to mine. Her perfect brow furrows in intent: 'Piss. The. Fuck. Off. Cuntbag.'

Foley, your days are numbered

Wedding 002 (2), originally uploaded by Harriet Vane.

There are two rules in my job. Okay, three. One is that nobody talk to me for the first hour of my daily hangover. The second is that Lucy gets a coffee and a back rub whenever she requests them. The last one is that Lucy gets to watch a minimum of one hour of costume dramas and/or weighty BBC book adapations a week. THESE ARE THE RULES. LOVE THEM, LIVE THEM.

If you step outside the rules and ignore the rules then the rules are useless. Do you hear me? Yes, you, Niamh life-wrecker Foley. You with the weirdly shiny eyebrow. I'm talking to you, up there dancing and giving me the eye. The rules are in place for a reason, Foley. TO PROTECT YOU. Lucy needs her period dramas or she will go nutsy and somebody will get hurt. So, when you drop the Sky remote in a bucket of water and BREAK IT so that the channel can't be changed and Lucy has to watch horse-racing for five hours while Mr Rochester was off wooing Jane Eyre over on BBC1...well, it won't be pretty.

To everyone else who didn't drop digital remotes in buckets of water over the weekend, play on. Go about your day as usual. If your day takes you into my flickr account to view the rest of my photos, you go right ahead. You like photos of stunning-looking girls dancing drunkenly? Welcome! You've come to the right place.

Haha, I'm drunk and have broadband

Hey, guys.

So, yeah. I have an eye infection. Or, as you commoners address it, a sty. I have a low immune system. APPARENTLY it's something to do with the lack of fruit and vegetables in my diet and my predilection to late nights, but there you go: I have an eye infection. It inhibits none of my daily practices and does not affect my sight at all, but I thought I should update cos, well, I showed Dee and Donna earlier and all they could say was: 'What? What are you showing us? You're just winking. What exactly is your problem?'

I think we can all agree they're stricken from the Christmas card list for being INSENSITIVE ASSHOLES. Don't tell them I said that though.

And, YES I am drunk. Blah-blah with the 'in the morning you'll still be ugly' thing', k?