Monday, December 31, 2007

2008: The Year of the Kennys

What in the name of all things holy are you doing on the internet superhighway, tonight of all nights?? Good God, have you no shame?! Do you not realise what tonight is? It's Jigs and Reels 07! The television show that celebrates the art of Irish dance and cretinism of Irish celebrities! What ARE you doing? Get thee to thy television and vote! Only for my uncle Jon obvs, or I'll move you to my naughty list. And tomorrow? Tomorrow, when you clutch your tummy and head and moan for relief? Why, you're watching Living the Dream, natch! What else?!

If you're reading this on Wednesday because you slept through the entire new year festivities, s'okay! There's still hope for you! I came up with that title you know. Where are my royalty cheques, you ask? Where indeed, friends.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Topless and ashamed

Today I had a driving lesson and a pre-employment medical examination. One of these occasioned the removal of my upper layers of clothing. GUESS WHICH ONE.

No, but seriously, besides the unexpected breast check, which was totally the most intimate I've ever been with another human being whilst sober, I managed to fuck things up on a whole other freakish level. Returning from the bathroom, tester pot of wee in hand, I noticed a stray hair on my left hand and went all frowny. What to do? I was holding the wee in that hand. Dial D for Dilemma! If only I could get that stray hair off my wrist without anyone seeing how messy and scruffy and covered with goddamned hairs I was... but how to do it? So I scuffed my hand angrily against the side of my cardigan and went 'ugh' loudly and stuck my hand out in front of me in disgust. And looked up to see the nurse staring at me.

So I handed her the wee and made a big deal of praising the liquid soap in the bathroom so she would not go home and tell her family and friends about the 'ugh' girl who went to get a urine sample and came back wiping her hands on her jumper. I am not that girl.