Friday, November 13, 2009

Pteronophobia is what Wikipedia calls it: Who-gives-a-shit-giving-it-a-name is what I call it

Since we moved into our house earlier this year, with alarming frequency, I have been the fall guy, the butt of jokes, the much-maligned fool for all the household japes. This seems to happen in every sphere of my life so at some point I may have to accept it as my own doing. NOT TODAY. Although otherwise hardy and without flaw, I do have an unspeakable terror of tickling anywhere on the body but particularly on my feet.

Some time ago whilst discussing tattoos, I idly commented that I'd always fancied something small and vague on an ankle, a spot easily cloaked if needed. "Oh really?" Everyone said, with equal antipathy as I am always making such querulous pronouncements and ignoring them is almost essential for an easy life.

"I think I would get a small, trailing flower," I said. "Or is that too gay-looking? Maybe a word, in Latin, to increase it's enigmatic power! No, no, my first born's name! In Latin! With a flower!"

"Oh dear God." Said Kate. "Right, will we draw one on, just to see what it's like?" Dubiously I poked a pen nib into my delicate arch.
"Oooh, no, that's not nice. No thank you."
"Go on, give us a go." Kate said, grabbing the pen. Clodagh looked up; she loves a plan.

"No, I don't think so, I have extremely sensitive feet." I said apologetically.
"Look, how can you stick a tattoo artist if you can't cope with me and a pen? Cop the fuck on."

A short time later, Clodagh was sitting on my left arm and Kate on my right. As Kate began to draw on my right foot, the screams started. I don't know where they came from; as people involved in great trauma often say, it took me a moment to realise the screams came from my own mouth. All I knew was a terrifying, overwhelming panic and fear of I know not what of. Of course, my pain was everyone else's amusement. Laura jumped up to hold my flailing ankles and all three roared with unimagined joy.

"Kate!" I panted, "Please! I beg you! I'll give you everything I own! Please Kate! Friends down do this to friends, Kate!" She bore down with added glee. My mind sank beneath waves of terror and panic as the interminable prodding and scratching of my poor white foot went on, involving hundreds of pounds of females sitting on me and telling me to shut up between their laughter.

"Quieten down, Luce," Clo said, turning to me in a rare second she managed to stop laughing at my yelps of panic. "You're just making it harder on yourself you know."

Painful seconds later, it was over. I was released, and scuttled into a dark corner of the living room to hold my foot and mope. My heart was pounding, my breath was short, I'd walloped my head off something in my struggles. On my foot, extending from toe to the inside of my heel, was a mawkish flower, primitively drawn with rough, tremulous petals. Also the caption: "LUCY IS GAY HA HA HA".

My captors sat round and watched, grinning nervously, for fear I'd start crying I suppose. Hell no. I cry three times a year, tops, unless I get caught watching Trocaire ads. I wasn't wasting my water on these fools.

I steadied myself; looked up and squared my chin. "I hope you're fucking happy with yereselves. I'll have you know that that constitutes foot rape."

"HA!" They three roared.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Solitary runner; Pterodactyl-spotter

Just seen strange bird-like creature fishing in the channel by the Back Strand! From my own admittedly rudimentary investigations this creature appears to be either a pterodactyl or harpie-type monster from Philip Pullman books. Unfortunately I had neither independent witnesses nor recording devices at hand so I am attempting an artist's reproduction to illustrate what I saw. Since the artist is me, I drew a stick man, added wings and a beak and then screamed 'fuck you, ART!' at the page and walked away.

If you were interested, I completed my round of the Back Strand in 66 minutes flat today. Nothing seems to be able to top my unprecedented 64 minutes of last week. I can only settle on last Thursday being a particularly cold day with few other pedestrians, so I was able to run for a longer portion of it. I am physically unable to run in the presence of others due in part to my ignorance of any official running technique and my non-possession of an exercise bra. According to my lovely and complementary sister, when I run I look like, ahem: "a spa". To save the mortification of others, I run alone. That's fine with me. I'd rather not have anyone present when I asphyxiate myself on my hoodie (again) or scream and fall over when a seagull startles me (for the fourth time in an hour). Those occasions are best saved for alone-time, thank you very much.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Bangerhead Fest '09

Banner by Roisin, accompanying laundry by KC

Cake by Superquinn, accompanying mirth by Lucy screaming obscenities

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


On Sunday morning I texted my good friend Donna, the obsessive clean freak, the following: 'Can I put any of the following in the dishwasher: Toilet brush, plastic dustpan, non-slip rubbery shower thingy. If not, how does one wash these things?'

Donna promptly rang me back, mainly because she was too hungover to text, and told me that no, noooo, I could not put any of these things in the dishwasher. They would melt, and cause grievous damage to the dishwasher, she said. "Things have to be dishwasher safe to go in the dishwasher," she pointed out, "hence the existence of the phrase 'dishwasher safe'."

"But the scrubbing brushes never melt when I put them in!" I complained. "Similarly, squeegee things are grand, as are flip-flops!"

"... Lucy, don't put any of those things in the dishwasher again" she told me. "Toilet brushes in the dishwasher? With dishes? That is seriously gross."

"Where should one wash one's shoes then, huh? You tell me that, Mrs smart arse!"
"Why do you need to wash your shoes? Shouldn't they, uh, just wipe clean?"
"Well, you tell me how I should get cow shit out of three-year old sandals then!"
With that zinger I hung up on the negative bitch. I don't need nobody telling me how to run my house.

I weighed things up for a little bit, realised I was running late, and fucked the dustpan in the dishwasher along with my scrubbing brushes and portable washing basin, which is handy for a range of things such as cleaning floors, washing me feets, sticking under the chins of inebriated house guests when they look a bit green, and sluicing away dog mess from the front lawn. I fucked the nasty, non-slip, rubbery shower mat in the wheelie bin and put the toilet brush where I couldn't see it, behind the toilet. Then I put three pairs of shoes in the washing machine and got the hell outta the house. If anyone asks, you know nothing about how those things got there, right? JOB DONE.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Something you won't care about

I'm writing something at the moment. Who knows what it is. Us artists don't concern ourselves with labels like you little people do. Currently it's held up in a mire of plotting difficulties. Bearing close attention to a quote I read from Joseph O'Neill, I am taking care to 'lie as little as possible, tell as close to the truth as you can'. Why? Because I liked the sentiment. Didn't like Netherland though, unlike Obama. Needless to say, consciously not lying is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Lying, or 'revisionism' as I like to call it, is as necessary to my daily life as breathing. Even recounting anecdotes to friends I find myself, almost unconsciously, sexing things up: flat-sounding dialogue is brought to fruity succinctness, dull circumstances glossed over. It's my hunger for narrative, I tell myself and don't get too concerned.

So I don't lie. Or I try not to. Apparently I don't plot anything I write either as everything frequently takes wild swings away from their starting point without my permission. I like to sketch things out in my head while driving 'round town in the evenings but instead I flash past familiar places and people and they remind me of past events and a new insight occurs to me: I'll use that, I think: that's genuine therefore good. Consequentially my cast change personalities almost daily, my hero's motives alter with my own capriciousness. One day I am forgiving towards all men: relationships prosper, goodness is rewarded, and my heroine gets invited to a party. The next I want them to suffer. Stupidity abounds; all humankind is selfish and cruel; unkind wives leave their pathetic husbands. My comic relief gets more and more violent as my mood gets worse, and I'm finding laughs in pushing people over, having them bump their shins, stub toes, lose wallets. I am honest, burningly honest, letting my temper and occasional torments play with my storyboard, rearrange my written world.

This can't continue. This is how children write, it's immature and inconsistent and pointless. Eventually you're not writing fiction, you're just keeping a diary and changing the names.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Hey hang on there a second now

Did you know that Pluto = not a planet anymore? Seems that theres only eight official planets doing the rounds nowadays, not the nine we all heard about back in the day. Oh, I know, I was flabbergasted to hear the news also. Apparently, this was decided back in 2006. Yeah, I didn't get that memo from NASA either. SOMEBODY is trying to keep me outta the loop. Keep trying, spacemen, I got my methods. Yeah, it takes three years for my methods to come to fruition but still: I'm watchin' you. Be very afraid.

Or just kinda afraid. I got a lot on these days.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Mick Flannery really blew. Luckily, I fell in love

"Good Lord, Loretta: don't look now but the most beautiful man in Tramore just smiled at me."


"Oh, I'm sorry, I meant 'The Most Beautiful Man in Tramore'. He's over there, black top, jeans, cheekbones like cliffs you want to tumble off, shoulders like rocks you want to smack into. Eyes full of sex, lips full of sin!"

"Ohhh. Well, he is very nice alright."

"'Nice', she says! What are you drinkin', lady, 'cos you need to give it up! He's the most fabulous man I've ever seen in the flesh. He looks like Clark Gable only better and less facial hair. Brando, before the weight. The body of a cowboy and the face of an angel. He's like-"

"Yeah, I get it, I get it: you've got the sexual fantasies of a seventy-five year old."

"Well! I like that! I-"




"Loretta, I think I've gotta blow this joint, these joykills are really wrecking my buzz."

"Yeah, you probably should. We're getting looks. Also maybe stop talking like a gangster from the thirties."

"HA! You really make me laugh, dollface! Laters!"

Monday, March 16, 2009


I'm having a housewarming/birthday party next weekend. Didn't I invite you yet? Shucks. I've invited everybody. Looks like you're nobody. It's going to be MAJOR. I'm making a mix CD for it right now(Oh I know, right? Mix CD? I'm so with it and down with the kids!), featuring all my favourite jammin' party tunes. So far there's four songs on there and only one of them does not feature the musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen. Like, the Nebraska years. That was not a party-time for Brucie. I need to broaden my musical tastes.

Seriously though, it's shaping up to be the most horribly mismatched evening of all our young lives. When your social circle features anyone whose name you know or whose face looks familiar as you scream 'PARTY, MY GAFF!' from your car window, you've gotta be ready for some fireworks. On Sunday I listed off all the people I had spent Saturday evening inviting and Clo and Laura just frowned at me.

'Aw, hells no' Laura said, barely looking up from the evening of card-cutting and laminating that seems to be the yoke of the school teacher's evening. 'Not him. He's a fucking mess.'

'Yeah, he went to Blathnaid's housewarming and vommed in the bathtub and blocked it and Ciara had to scoop out the sick with her hands.' Clo added vigorously.

'Nuh-huh, it was Blathnaid herself did the scooping, as I recall.' Laura pointed out.

'Dude, it was totally fucking Ciara. She made me smell her hands after. I think I would remember that.'

'Well then it must have been Blathnaid's hands and you were obviously going around smelling so many hands that you can't remember whose hands scooped what.'

'As if! I think I can remember my best friend's hands, excuse you.'

'I highly doubt it. Hand-whore'.

I left them to it and sat down on the floor of my shiny new hallway. This socialising thing has me beat.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Je me fous du passé!

Did you know that I saw La Vie en Rose three times? The first time I was drunk, the second inattentive and the third despairing of ever following the ridiculous structure of the damned thing. What I eventually got from it, after some frantic Wikipedia-ing, was that Edith Piaf was fucking awesome. Also a lush and possibly insane. In surprising news, Piaf means 'little sparrow'. Now put that in your pipe and have a chew.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Oh Noes! Poop update

Our favourite Vic barwench, Kate C, just rang to tell me that there is a nasty rumour circulating in the Vic that says I made the foul poo and was trying to hide the fact by telling everyone about it! Which is a funny way to go about covering something up.
'Fuck off, no way!' I said, naturally distressed.
'Yeah, Liam had to clean it up, he's gonna start calling you 'Shitgirl' now.'
'That's so unfair! And such a crappy nickname! Anyway, why would I do such a thing? HOW would I do such a thing, that thing was massive!'

This thing has got to stop. I'm making another sign. 'Lucy did not make the poo. Lucy doesn't even poo. The end.'

A Nasty Surprise

Last night I found the most disgusting thing in the Vic toilets. It was so disgusting I can't actually tell you about it. It would make you want to die, let me tell you. There it was, ON THE TOILET SEAT, when I lifted the lid. Scandalised, I staggered out of the cubicle and grabbed an innocent girl washing her hands. 'MY GOD,' I panted, 'YOU MUST SEE THIS.' Warily, she allowed me to drag her into the cubicle then she fell about choking when she saw it. 'Oh fuck, that is horrendous!' she shrieked. 'I know!' I shrieked back as another girl came in the door. We, the first girl and I, both grabbed her and said 'You totally gotta see this!' and dragged her into the cubicle. 'Holy sh-' said our new victim. 'I know, right?' exclaimed the first girl, 'and I thought she had just done something she was really proud of and wanted to show it off!' With this she gestured at me and laughed. Ahem.

As they stood around retching and saying 'fucking hell!', I latched onto what little initiative I have not yet managed to drink away and pulled from my bag my trusty notepad and one of the seventeen pens I lug about with me for just such an occasion as this. My two new best buds, girl A and girl B, remarked on my quick thinking. Popping the piece of gum I had been chewing from my mouth, I leaned over and affixed my sign: 'DO NOT USE - TOTALLY GROSS' to the cubicle door. 'Ew', said girl A, 'did you just take gum out of your mouth and stick it to the door?' 'That is fucking disgusting' agreed girl B and the two of them hightailed it from the bathrooms, leaving me standing there sticking a sign over a bathroom full of shit.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm having an okay week. Thus far...

This afternoon I stood in the centre of the canteen and enacted an amusing anecdote to my coworkers, using all my bodily grace and expressive talents. Actually I was imitating a guy with a funny walk I had seen that morning. It was HILARIOUS. MOVING. Then I noticed Carmel was staring at my chest. No biggie. Happens, let me tell you, all the time.
'Carmel, why are you staring at my chest?' She feigned ignorance. 'Is it the black stuff on my top? Yeah, I dunno where that came from. Hilarious how filthy I look really, isn't it?'

'Actually I was wondering how you got coffee all over yourself so fast,' she said, 'I mean, you've only just made a cup of coffee and you've got, what, four coffee smears on your clothes. Like, what?'

It's difficult to understand, if you know me only through my graceful prose, but I am an extremely clumsy person. Some might call me 'awkward'. I hope you can find it in your heart to think it merely adorable. I can pick up a box of perfectly clean, new books, direct from the suppliers, and by the time I put it down again I will have black smut all over me and my cardigan is missing two buttons. Also, my shoe has fallen into the box. And there's a feather in my hair. How? WHO KNOWS.

I am a slapstick's dream. I have, on more than one occassion, walked into signposts and streetlights. I have closed car doors on my foot, fingers and head. I can, and have, pick up a tray or a plate of something and there it is two seconds later, upside down on the ground. There is not a smooth, unfissured path in existence that I cannot fall down on. Don't even think about putting me in high heels. I could kill somebody! If I am dining out somewhere and I am eating something dry, like crackers, and my dining partner is eating something not dry, say tomato soup, it is entirely IMPOSSIBLE that I will get up from the table without tomato smears all over my clothing. It just won't happen.

Once, I helped a friend who ran an art gallery to clean up after an opening and I broke six wine glasses. SIX. From a box of 30. That, quite frankly, is amazing. Governments should employ me to work for their enemies. I could lean over enemy war crafts or WMDs, or whatever it is the bad guys are working on nowadays, mumbling 'Woah, what does that yoke do...' and WHAM. My watch has fallen deep into the workings and the baddies are running around shrieking. Yeah! Take that, justice!