Last night I found the most disgusting thing in the Vic toilets. It was so disgusting I can't actually tell you about it. It would make you want to die, let me tell you. There it was, ON THE TOILET SEAT, when I lifted the lid. Scandalised, I staggered out of the cubicle and grabbed an innocent girl washing her hands. 'MY GOD,' I panted, 'YOU MUST SEE THIS.' Warily, she allowed me to drag her into the cubicle then she fell about choking when she saw it. 'Oh fuck, that is horrendous!' she shrieked. 'I know!' I shrieked back as another girl came in the door. We, the first girl and I, both grabbed her and said 'You totally gotta see this!' and dragged her into the cubicle. 'Holy sh-' said our new victim. 'I know, right?' exclaimed the first girl, 'and I thought she had just done something she was really proud of and wanted to show it off!' With this she gestured at me and laughed. Ahem.
As they stood around retching and saying 'fucking hell!', I latched onto what little initiative I have not yet managed to drink away and pulled from my bag my trusty notepad and one of the seventeen pens I lug about with me for just such an occasion as this. My two new best buds, girl A and girl B, remarked on my quick thinking. Popping the piece of gum I had been chewing from my mouth, I leaned over and affixed my sign: 'DO NOT USE - TOTALLY GROSS' to the cubicle door. 'Ew', said girl A, 'did you just take gum out of your mouth and stick it to the door?' 'That is fucking disgusting' agreed girl B and the two of them hightailed it from the bathrooms, leaving me standing there sticking a sign over a bathroom full of shit.