Thursday, March 30, 2006
My poor sister. I bleed for her. She is currently rehearsing the part of MOUTH in Samuel Beckett's Not I in her college in Cork. Click on the link. Go on, click it! That's the whole play. It involves Sally sitting in a chair with her whole body in darkness and only her poor little mouth lit up by a spotlight. It is HORRIBLE sounding. She has to learn the whole thing off and it's dreadfully boring and stupid and makes absolutely NO sense. And she has to wear horrible black clothes and no one gets to see her face which makes it even more awful and stupid. She owns nothing black so robbed loads of bits of mine. I tried to entice her into wearing these cute pointy black flats and a skinny little belt but she said: 'No, Lucy. It has to be plain and simple. No extras. No pretty. No cute. Just simple.'
Beckett! What hast thou done to my sister?!?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
‘Have you read any books recently and what did you think of it or them?’
Books! That’s all them shagging librarians ever think about. Ever go to the cinema, people? Watch telly? They’re so obvious it’s embarrassing. Naturally I flubbed it. I breezed through the rest of the thing, gabbing on happily about the democratisation of literature and having a community forum for this and that and the transience of something and the marginalisation of something else- I can’t rightly remember what I said now but at the time it was brilliant. Interview gold. And up comes the easiest, dumbest question ever and I practically swallow my tongue.
‘Lucky Jim’ I finally spat out. ‘Liked it.’ That’s not so bad, surprisingly it’s actually true. Yes my critical analysis isn’t exactly going to be scaring the shit out of Harold Bloom anytime soon but hey, he’s more than likely not in the running for this particular job.
But I couldn’t leave it there. For some reason interview-genius* Lucy decides that Lucky Jim isn’t impressive enough. ‘And Ulysses. Liked that too.’
Well done, shithead. No one, bar poncey literature students and maybe Declan Kiberd or someone, has just read Ulysses. And it’s a lie. I skipped right to the dirty bits and found them wanting. Pah. This is why I avoid carrying out conversations sober.
*Ha. Sometimes I spell right, sometimes I spell not so right.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Because we were fighting on Saturday evening I went into the chemist and asked for the largest set of anti-wrinkle creams they had. Then I gave it to her for Mother's Day. Just to teach her a lesson. REARING YOUR CHILDREN HAS STOLEN YOUR YOUTH, OLD WOMAN. Oh, it sounds evil now but at the time it was merely a bit snide. My sister ran into a supermarket on her way home and bought instant coffee and marmalade. 'It is posh marmalade and posh coffee,' Sally insisted.
'I love it!' my mother said, 'it shows so much thought and everything.'
'Yes, Kate' I said. She left the room. What she doesn’t know is that I bought myself the We are Scientists album with her itunes account. Har-de-har-har, Kate. Until her Visa bill comes in at least.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
UPDATE: Puppies all male. So what? The names stay.
- Driving lessons. Yipp-fuckin-ee. So I can learn to drive faster and be able to pick up my mother from pubs.
- A haircut. Because I love them so much.
- A pre-scratched scratch card, from my beloved sister. She scratched it for me to save my arthritic fingers. Thanks Sal!
- A free pack of crisps, from my father. From the shop he works in. And the promise of a free dinner. Score.
- A card with a picture of a girl reading a book on from my aunt Mercy. 'I'll settle up with you later.' Cue Mercy avoiding me for the next twelve months.
That is IT. Oh yes, I have the promise of a few free vodkas on the weekend but does it suffice? A few BOTTLES of vodkas wouldn't do me, let me tell you. Look at all I have done for the internet community! For the world! I got Kara and Ken together, I'll have you know. I still haven't recieved delivery of any crates of booze for that little favour.
Piss to that. There's a bottle of sparkling wine with my name on in the fridge.
Monday, March 20, 2006
450 Write error: No space left on deviceblog/18/61/12/feigninginterest/archives/2005_01_01_feigninginterest_archive.html
I think, I think Blogger is calling me fat.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
'Omigod, it worked! You're a genuis!'
Then I told her not to turn it on for about ten minutes to allow the computer time to 'reboot', that it might have a 'memory' issue or there might be a problem with the 'mainframe'. That's right, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Luckily she doesn't either so I was really just saying random words at this point.
I also told her that her computer freezing might have something to do with overuse of bebo. Evil.
Monday, March 13, 2006
My watch has stopped, at 9.11 on March the 11th. Can we read anything into this? Besides the fact that my killer was a man with a limp who smoked untipped french cigarettes? 9-11. Can it be that my watch is trying to tell me something?
Bit late fucker, says I.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Now I have to work till five o'clock and go out with her. Having to work can't be traced precisely to Elizabeth but I bet she'll laugh when she hears that. Cow. And then it'll be my birthday and I'll be all: 'hey are you coming to my party?' and everyone will be going, 'uh, nah Lucy, wrecked after Elizabeth's. And broke from buying her big, massive, gold-plated present so can't get you anything.'
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
"We're in Rotarua now (look it up, nerd) and I just did Zorbing and a 140ft swoop. I then had to change under garments. Zorbingis where they throw you into a big ball, fuck you in a load of water and push you off a hill. And before you ask, yes I did pay for this. The swoop kindof speaks for itself. Extremely scary as once your up there you have to pullthe release chord yourself. Then you swing at about 150 km, then you shit your pants."
Good to know, Joey. Good to know.
My internet came in the post last Thursday in a big white box. I took it all out, stared at it and plugged it in to bits of my laptop. Nothing happened. I rang the eircom helpline and cried down the line for an hour. Then I forgot about it till just now. And it works! I am a telecommunications wizard. Send me all your technology problems and I'll ignore them for all the best part of a week.