Swag

I don't know about you, but if you are a normal, slightly self-interested person you will enjoy the recieving of gifts at your birthday. If you are like me however you will give whole and unflinching reverence to the fact that on your birthday you get stuff. I can't help noticing that I haven't recieved much from my internet fans. Postal delay perhaps? Anyway, in case you by some bizarre cirumstance have not yet purchased my birthday present (you are dead to me), I give you, to avoid embarrassing double giftings, a list of my birthday earnings:

1. Driving lessons. Yipp-fuckin-ee. So I can learn to drive faster and be able to pick up my mother from pubs.
2. A haircut. Because I love them so much.
3. A pre-scratched scratch card, from my beloved sister. She scratched it for me to save my arthritic fingers. Thanks Sal!
4. A free pack of crisps, from my father. From the shop he works in. And the promise of a free dinner. Score.
5. A card with a picture of a girl reading a book on from my aunt Mercy. 'I'll settle up with you later.' Cue Mercy avoiding me for the next twelve months.

That is IT. Oh yes, I have the promise of a few free vodkas on the weekend but does it suffice? A few BOTTLES of vodkas wouldn't do me, let me tell you. Look at all I have done for the internet community! For the world! I got Kara and Ken together, I'll have you know. I still haven't recieved delivery of any crates of booze for that little favour.

Piss to that. There's a bottle of sparkling wine with my name on in the fridge.