Friday, November 13, 2009

Pteronophobia is what Wikipedia calls it: Who-gives-a-shit-giving-it-a-name is what I call it

Since we moved into our house earlier this year, with alarming frequency, I have been the fall guy, the butt of jokes, the much-maligned fool for all the household japes. This seems to happen in every sphere of my life so at some point I may have to accept it as my own doing. NOT TODAY. Although otherwise hardy and without flaw, I do have an unspeakable terror of tickling anywhere on the body but particularly on my feet.

Some time ago whilst discussing tattoos, I idly commented that I'd always fancied something small and vague on an ankle, a spot easily cloaked if needed. "Oh really?" Everyone said, with equal antipathy as I am always making such querulous pronouncements and ignoring them is almost essential for an easy life.

"I think I would get a small, trailing flower," I said. "Or is that too gay-looking? Maybe a word, in Latin, to increase it's enigmatic power! No, no, my first born's name! In Latin! With a flower!"

"Oh dear God." Said Kate. "Right, will we draw one on, just to see what it's like?" Dubiously I poked a pen nib into my delicate arch.
"Oooh, no, that's not nice. No thank you."
"Go on, give us a go." Kate said, grabbing the pen. Clodagh looked up; she loves a plan.

"No, I don't think so, I have extremely sensitive feet." I said apologetically.
"Look, how can you stick a tattoo artist if you can't cope with me and a pen? Cop the fuck on."

A short time later, Clodagh was sitting on my left arm and Kate on my right. As Kate began to draw on my right foot, the screams started. I don't know where they came from; as people involved in great trauma often say, it took me a moment to realise the screams came from my own mouth. All I knew was a terrifying, overwhelming panic and fear of I know not what of. Of course, my pain was everyone else's amusement. Laura jumped up to hold my flailing ankles and all three roared with unimagined joy.

"Kate!" I panted, "Please! I beg you! I'll give you everything I own! Please Kate! Friends down do this to friends, Kate!" She bore down with added glee. My mind sank beneath waves of terror and panic as the interminable prodding and scratching of my poor white foot went on, involving hundreds of pounds of females sitting on me and telling me to shut up between their laughter.

"Quieten down, Luce," Clo said, turning to me in a rare second she managed to stop laughing at my yelps of panic. "You're just making it harder on yourself you know."

Painful seconds later, it was over. I was released, and scuttled into a dark corner of the living room to hold my foot and mope. My heart was pounding, my breath was short, I'd walloped my head off something in my struggles. On my foot, extending from toe to the inside of my heel, was a mawkish flower, primitively drawn with rough, tremulous petals. Also the caption: "LUCY IS GAY HA HA HA".

My captors sat round and watched, grinning nervously, for fear I'd start crying I suppose. Hell no. I cry three times a year, tops, unless I get caught watching Trocaire ads. I wasn't wasting my water on these fools.

I steadied myself; looked up and squared my chin. "I hope you're fucking happy with yereselves. I'll have you know that that constitutes foot rape."

"HA!" They three roared.


JMH said...

I don't know quite what in your past or in your character enables you to write on opposite ends of the spectrum, combining light and wonder with cringe-worthy discomfort and very little in the middle. But I don't want to know. For me, a mystery loses something when it's solved. Fuck Miss Marple.

Anonymous said...

drama queen, much? go on, you loved it!

Anonymous said...

Cool article as for me. I'd like to read a bit more about this topic. Thank you for sharing that data.
Joan Stepsen
High tech gadgets

Anonymous said...

Do not delete this article, there is ad-supported access to 500 U.S. dollars reward, activity time to 2010/12/31 the end of this period we will have staff members from time to time to visit, hope you have the opportunity to receive prizes!

關鍵字行銷 網路行銷 軟體行銷 搬家 活水機 濾水器 淨水器 1069 GUCCI GUCCI包 GUCCI包包 LV包 LV LV包包 除腳臭 自慰器 情趣用品 情趣商品 跳蛋 按摩棒 高雄監視器 監視器 監視器材 監視攝影 網路創業 當鋪 當舖 流當品 特賣會 團體服 免費廣告 佛具 加盟 臭臭鍋 加盟 火鍋 期貨 婚紗 情趣用品 情趣 女人徵信 女人徵信 女人徵信 女人徵信 女人徵信 減肥 豐胸 整形 電波拉皮 雷射溶脂 飛梭雷射 私密處保養 seo 104 104論壇 seo 行銷軟體 免費網路創業 網路賺錢