Schizo? Or...brilliant?

Ladies and gents, I would call your attention to these pictures you see before you, hereafter entered into evidence:

EXHIBIT A

X-ZIBIT B

You see before you, my friends, evidence that on the day of the nineteenth of June, 2007, the defendant did neglect to correctly close the front right window of her automobile and she did abandon her vehicle for over twenty-four hours, and upon that day, four thousand inches of rain did fall in the county of Waterford. I will draw your attention if I may, to the full inch of water collected in the little groove-thingy in the driver's door-handle, evident so clearly in exhibit A; also to the quite blatantly rain-flecked appearance of the car's interior. Not pictured is the extremely wet (I might go so far as to say saturated) driver's seat cushions, neither the curiously vile smell of wet foam mingling with the cola-scented Wallace and Gromit in-car air freshener. Available for your inspection upon application is the defendant's wet ass-

I object! The prosecution is inferring that I have a wet ass by rule, and that I did wet that ass in a manner unseemly to grown adults normally in full control of their bodily functions!

I merely stated that the defendant did, on the aforementioned evening, sit upon these rain-sodden car cushions, the cushions rain-soaked by her own negligence, and then did proceed to walk around in public view with a wet ass, with little thought to what innocent members of the public would think of seeing such an ass. I ask you here today, are these the actions of a sane, well-adjusted, competent individual? Are they? Are they?

...

Objection overruled.

Thank you, your Honour. I will proceed. I also suggest to you today that on the evening of the seventeenth of June, the defendant did leave her automobile overnight in the public car-park of a town notorious for drunken carousing from the some of the commonest, coarsest people in the island of Ireland. She left this poor car, my friends, with the doors unlocked. Not one door, but all four.

BurbleburbleburbleGoodGod!Burbleburbleburble

Quiet in the courtroom! Counsel, illuminate me on one fact: What is this town you speak of, this den of vice and sin and all things abhorrent to an honest man?

Tramore, your Honour.

BurbleburbleburbIIIIIEEEEEE!!-

Guards! Take that fainting woman away!

If I may continue-?

You may, but take heed not to speak such profane words in my courtroom again.

I apologise. It is fortunate, ladies and gentleman, that we live in a kinder, gentler world than the foul actions of this pitiful wretch might suggest. Because on this evening, when her automobile lay open to the four winds, open like the private diary of a young girl, plundered for it's tenderly-trusted secrets by her cruel and insensitive brother, open like a mysterious door at the end of a dark and gloomy corridor that you shouldn't be in, open like the 24 hour Tesco on the Ardkeen road, open like a-

You digress, oh-esteemed-member-of-the-legal-profession.

That I do, your Honour: such is the HEINOUSITY [newly invented word, as the English language does not possess words enough to suffice in this occasion] of this crime that I am forced by my own fragile and shocked mind to spout such ridiculous garbage. ... I can only thank God, and the good work of the much-praised and tireless Garda Siochana, that no petty thief expressed any interest in the twenty-six empty cigarette boxes, , the broken cassette tapes, the damp swimsuit and beach towel, the banana peels-

I OBJECT! There is only one banana peel in my car! Any extra banana peels found therein were planted by a malevolent person or persons unknown in an evil attempt to besmirch my character!

Young lady! I will not have such behaviour in my courtroom! Sit down and keep quiet! And put your top back on. That won't cut it, not this time.

May I continue, your Honour?

First, I would like to ask you a question regarding this hideous tale you recount to us today. Are you telling me that this individual, this feckless and moronic tool of Satan, this shifty character with a seemingly non-existent knowledge or regard for car maintenance or safety, has at some point operated an automobile on an open road? A road with people on it?!

Your Honour, she has operated this vehicle on the open road, and continues to do so to this day.

BurbleburbleburbleburbleOfAllTheNerve!Burbleburbleburbleburble

Silence! Silence in this courtroom, I say!

What's it even there for?

Sheeesh. You drive onto the kerb a few times and you get this! Talk about your shoddy car manufacturers! Now people stare at me as I rattle round town. And not in a good way. Get over it, people! I'm not staring at your big, ugly-ass head, am I?! No, I'm not. Some of us have manners. And problems gauging distance.

My baby!

...

I dunno. Am I supposed to feel maternal towards this hunk of metal which cost me most of my life savings? Indulgent? Grateful? Loving? Most people might be delighted to have a car they own outside their home. Most people might be delighted to know they can now drive to the shops when they are in desperate need of fags, or Weetabix, or bubble gum. Most people, me... not so much.

It's not that I'm scared of driving exactly; more that I'm scared of crashing and killing someone. Nah, scratch that, my insurance broker might google me and read this. I'm scared of not caring if I crash and kill someone. I mean, my on-road driving experience amounts to about ten hours, total. On the other hand, my experience in playing computer-based driving-simulation type games amounts to about 200 hours. In the latter, skidding into a wall and writing off my vehicle amounted to little more than an muttered invective and a new game. The former...well, stalling in heavy traffic led to minor palpitations and near self-urination.

Am I taking this too seriously? It's just sitting there, begging to be driven in all it's metallic lavender glory (I named it's shade; my mother calls it 'dirty grey'). I only discovered the radio volume controls under my wipers lever the other day when Maggie came over and gave me a tour of my own car ('Oh great, you have dual air-bags!' 'The girls thank you for noticing, Mag, but can we focus on the car now?'). It's frightening. And it shouldn't be. I mean, idiots are driving cars. Roisin, Niamh, Danielle, my mother, the list is endless. I am obviously possessing of a superior intelligence to these people- as I am wont to point out, IhaveadegreeforChristsake.

Tch. Don't panic, I'll get right on the driving thing. I do have an ambition to drive the 32 counties. Or 31, I'm discounting Leitrim. 'Cos everyone else does, obvs. In other news, I am preparing to donate blood because I have ludicrously valuable blood despite the pathetic infrastructure it supports and as part of my prep am swallowing down iron tablets good-o. Iron supplements...they do something disgusting that is not declared on the back of the packet though. Take one, and see. Just one will do it. 24-pack is about three quid: do it and see. I haven't sunk so low in search of blog-worthy material to tell you what it is they do.

Although, maybe in a few weeks...?

Nothing to report

Nope, not a thing. Nothing doing. All quiet on the Lucy front. Nothing happening. Nary a bean. No news here my friend, everything's dull as dull...

Hang on, what's this in my hand...?