Pity I'm so *NICE*

Okay, so I'm posting drunk again, but it's past three am on a Friday so I think I'm in the clear. Are YOU sober? Thought not.

I'd like to share with you the story of a persistent male. His name is Peter. I don't deal in lies intentionally so his name actually is Peter. He likes to be called 'P' though. 'Cos he's a wanker. Whoops, there goes my objectivity.

"Peter is on a Stag night in Tramore. [You're aware of the concept, I presume? What you're grappling with is the fact that someone actually chose to have their Stag in Tramore. I know. Wow. Anyway, back to Peter.] Peter is thirty-something and from Laois, not a crime in itself though fast approaching one, standing in a bitch of a disco in a dump of a town, when three hot girls walk in. There are four girls in the entire place and one of them is behind the bar. It's a Friday night in rural Waterford. Options are limited.

Peter sidles up to the three girls. They giggle, as girls are inclined to do whenever the mood takes them, and engage with him in light-hearted banter. It is light-hearted. They banter. One, a foxy brunette in Levis, catches his eye. Boy, is she hot. He asks and finds out her name is Lucy. Wow. Hotname. She slips outside for a cigarette; Peter follows. He makes a crap joke; she laughs. I have my prey, thinks Peter, she is mine. She has smiled in my presence. I need no more encouragement. Peter employs regular seduction techniques such as Standing Around In Front Of Her So She Can't Leave and eventually swoops for the snog.

'No', says Lucy, 'I'm good, man, I'm with the girls, d'ya know?'

Aaaaaagh, says Peter, she is so playful! Let me follow her around the disco all night and try to hold her hand! He surveys his quarry: she is practically alone, ignoring those three young women and four young men hanging around her. I will certainly seduce her away from those (seven) losers and into my (rented) bed. And I will accomplish this by standing beside her all night and holding her hand. Oh yes, she plays with me. She shirks my grip as soon as I clasp her hand and ignores me when I try to show her my Scissor Sister dance moves (elbows clamped; finger guns). Her friend, the busty one laughs at me but I am not discouraged. Lucy is my love!

I buy her a drink. She says she doesn't want it 'cos she's working in the morning. I laugh! She's doing nothing except getting my breakfast tomorrow! She ignores the drink. So I buy her another. What more does a girl want except a liquid demonstration of one's interest? The teasing lass ignores my second drink. And I am stumped. What more does she want?

Then, when she slips off up the road I follow her. What girl does not enjoy a thrilling chase?? She is stood beneath a brolly with her bosom buddies, eating chips from a greased-up bag. They discuss taxis. Realising the romance in her intention, I extend a sure arm and grasp her around the waist. This night, fractured and imperfect as it was, all led to this.

Her body swivels and my heart constricts; her face turns to mine. Her perfect brow furrows in intent: 'Piss. The. Fuck. Off. Cuntbag.'