On a recent journey to the Mace down the road to buy toilet paper (Ah, toilet paper. Proof that I am only part-God) I came across a delightful wee jewelry shop selling magical and sparkling things which my eye was immediately drawn to. With a somnambulant stumble I drifted inside and gazed rapturously at the contents of the shining glass cabinets. 'May I help you with anything?' greased the shopkeeper, gliding close to my shoulder.
'No, no' I hissed through gritted teeth. 'Just looking.'
'That's a lovely piece' he remarked in an off-hand manner, gesturing towards a spot on the cabinet where my drool had collected over a silver necklace. 'Pearlized-rainbow-quartz-moonstone-diamond, inlaid with unicorn hair and the blood of a virgin' he murmured.
[I don't know what the fuck he called it, okay? I was caught in a frenzy of greed and lust]
'Ahhh' I sighed, with considerable pleasure. Somewhere within me I summoned hitherto unrecognized strength, and with a wrench I pulled myself away from the cabinet. 'No, thank you' I said primly, peeling the fingers of my left hand away from the edge of the counter with those of my right. 'I think I have all the Rainbow quartz I need right now.'
'My, but that's a divine piece you're wearing!' he cried, gesturing at the vile-looking hunk of crap that I was currently wearing around my alabaster throat. Blushing prettily, I blustered something about my necklace being like a big ol' bicycle lock compared to his charming work and extolled the virtues of some turquoise crap hanging behind the till.
You will surely recognize with sadness the actions of a smitten woman. I was sold. He had me at 'My, but...'. Even his taunt of 'There's a matching pair of earrings with that' couldn't rouse me from my lovesick stupor. Soon after I found myself saying 'I'll take the lot' and watching with bile in my throat (lovely and alabaster as it is) as his assistant wrapped them up. Even the fact that they're a Christmas present for someone else can't lessen the preying guilt and self-disgust at having being so cheaply won by a smarmy shit.
Alas! The gormless stupidity of a forsaken woman!
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