Friday, November 19, 2004

A Tender Display of Familial Affection

Conversation with mother, 11.45 am, November 19th 2004:

Mother: Hello?
Lucy: Hello, you. How are you so busy you never ring your only daughter?
Mother: You're not my only daughter.
Lucy: Yes, but I'm the best one. You should have stopped after me.
Mother: I should have stopped before you, but that's of little consequence. What are you doing?
Lucy: Working. And ringing you. And making you feel guilty for not being a good mother.
Mother: Multi-tasking, I see.
Lucy: Yes, very much so. So, what are you doing that you didn't ring me all week? Your parental duties are way off. You'll have to pull some overtime this weekend.

Mother: Does that mean you need money?
Lucy: No. God, you're so cynical.
Mother: I was busy. Tuesday was the twentieth anniversary of the library being set up here, and we all went out-
Lucy: Were you pissed?
Mother:... no.
Lucy: Well, of course you weren't cos me or Sally weren't there to put you to bed.
Mother: The amount of times I've had to put you to bed worse for the wear...
Lucy: Ah, but that's your parental obligation kicking in right there. I feel no such obligation towards you.
Mother: Fine. What do you want for Christmas?
Lucy: World peace.
Mother: Got that last year. What do you want this year.
Lucy: Alright, an end to pain and suffering in the world. And an ipod.
Mother: What's that?
Lucy: Like a music player that you download music on to, and its tiny and pretty and you can get them in different colours.
Mother: Wouldn't you need a computer for that?
Lucy: Oh yeah. I want one of those too.
Mother: Right. I'll tell your father. He'll probably end up getting you soap.
Lucy: Ha. What do you want then?
Mother: Oh, I dont know. A new daughter to replace you.
Lucy: Oh, you'd keep Sally, would you? Even though she's the one who's still dependent and taking money off you and I am up here in a strange city working my ass off to stay afloat?!
Mother: Don't you owe me €100 from last week?
Lucy: Point taken. So, twenty years ago this week, eh? I was one.

Mother: Yep.
Lucy: Hey, wasnt it my first birthday that you didn't make it home for? I remember that.
Mother: No you don't, you were one for God's sake. And I did try to make it home, the bloody roads were icy and I skidded and nearly crashed into a ditch. I could have died if I'd kept trying to drive home. And, may I remind you, I was driving two hours to work every day, just to pay for all your stupid baby things.
Lucy: You are so selfish. My first birthday.
Mother: I could have DIED.
Lucy: Yep, I'm definately going to need that ipod now.
Mother: You're not getting it, you're getting books.
Lucy: I have books. I want an ipod. They're cool.
Mother: [sighing loudly] You are so shallow. Are you coming home for the weekend?

Lucy: Might do.
Mother: Are you or aren't you? Because I'm having people over if you're not.
Lucy: Yes, I am. You can have people over anyway, I'm not such a disgrace I need to be hidden away you know.
Mother: [Sniffs] That's debatable. Right so, I don't need to talk to you any more then, do I? Seeing as I'll be seeing you later.
Lucy: You'll have to talk to me then.
Mother: Not if Sallys around, I can talk to her.
Lucy: Fine.
Mother: Fine. The dog says hello.
Lucy: No he doesn't, stupid.
Mother: That's because he's not talking to you.
Lucy: Why?
Mother: Because you are so rude to your mother. He is very sensitive to bad manners.
Lucy: Oh, go away.
Mother: You rang me!
Lucy: Grand. I'm hanging up now.
Mother: Fine. Bye.
Lucy: Yeah, right.

Normal families do things together like board games and country walks. Mine insults each other. And gets drunk. Can't wait till Christmas!


Linus said...

I liked this. Although I was a horribly youthful child. Everyone said when I turned one, I didn't look a day over zero.

On the subject of iPods: No No a thousand times no! I got one dirt cheap a ways back and it has given me nothing but pain. If you have any inclination towards dropping things, getting in fights, or using music devices as weapons, I'd switch to an iRiver. They're much more stable, although they don't look as good. But they don't break.

The LiPod is broken, and I'm now on the third replacement. I'm going to keep replacing every three months, or until they give me a refund, the cads.

Lucy said...

Hey Linus, Everything's not all about you you know. This is MY blog- see my name up the top there? And if I want to write about my dysfuntional family you cant juat butt in and start talking about yours. Height of rudeness, I'll have you know.

Anonymous said...

can't believe you didn't tell your mom that you were comin home to celebrate su s 21st, celias 22nd and amys 22nd and 1/12th birthdays your soooo selfish