A Tender Display of Familial Affection

Conversation with mother, 11.45 am, November 19th 2004:

Mother: Hello?
Lucy: Hello, you. How are you so busy you never ring your only daughter?
Mother: You're not my only daughter.
Lucy: Yes, but I'm the best one. You should have stopped after me.
Mother: I should have stopped before you, but that's of little consequence. What are you doing?
Lucy: Working. And ringing you. And making you feel guilty for not being a good mother.
Mother: Multi-tasking, I see.
Lucy: Yes, very much so. So, what are you doing that you didn't ring me all week? Your parental duties are way off. You'll have to pull some overtime this weekend.

Mother: Does that mean you need money?
Lucy: No. God, you're so cynical.
Mother: I was busy. Tuesday was the twentieth anniversary of the library being set up here, and we all went out-
Lucy: Were you pissed?
Mother:... no.
Lucy: Well, of course you weren't cos me or Sally weren't there to put you to bed.
Mother: The amount of times I've had to put you to bed worse for the wear...
Lucy: Ah, but that's your parental obligation kicking in right there. I feel no such obligation towards you.
Mother: Fine. What do you want for Christmas?
Lucy: World peace.
Mother: Got that last year. What do you want this year.
Lucy: Alright, an end to pain and suffering in the world. And an ipod.
Mother: What's that?
Lucy: Like a music player that you download music on to, and its tiny and pretty and you can get them in different colours.
Mother: Wouldn't you need a computer for that?
Lucy: Oh yeah. I want one of those too.
Mother: Right. I'll tell your father. He'll probably end up getting you soap.
Lucy: Ha. What do you want then?
Mother: Oh, I dont know. A new daughter to replace you.
Lucy: Oh, you'd keep Sally, would you? Even though she's the one who's still dependent and taking money off you and I am up here in a strange city working my ass off to stay afloat?!
Mother: Don't you owe me €100 from last week?
Lucy: Point taken. So, twenty years ago this week, eh? I was one.

Mother: Yep.
Lucy: Hey, wasnt it my first birthday that you didn't make it home for? I remember that.
Mother: No you don't, you were one for God's sake. And I did try to make it home, the bloody roads were icy and I skidded and nearly crashed into a ditch. I could have died if I'd kept trying to drive home. And, may I remind you, I was driving two hours to work every day, just to pay for all your stupid baby things.
Lucy: You are so selfish. My first birthday.
Mother: I could have DIED.
Lucy: Yep, I'm definately going to need that ipod now.
Mother: You're not getting it, you're getting books.
Lucy: I have books. I want an ipod. They're cool.
Mother: [sighing loudly] You are so shallow. Are you coming home for the weekend?

Lucy: Might do.
Mother: Are you or aren't you? Because I'm having people over if you're not.
Lucy: Yes, I am. You can have people over anyway, I'm not such a disgrace I need to be hidden away you know.
Mother: [Sniffs] That's debatable. Right so, I don't need to talk to you any more then, do I? Seeing as I'll be seeing you later.
Lucy: You'll have to talk to me then.
Mother: Not if Sallys around, I can talk to her.
Lucy: Fine.
Mother: Fine. The dog says hello.
Lucy: No he doesn't, stupid.
Mother: That's because he's not talking to you.
Lucy: Why?
Mother: Because you are so rude to your mother. He is very sensitive to bad manners.
Lucy: Oh, go away.
Mother: You rang me!
Lucy: Grand. I'm hanging up now.
Mother: Fine. Bye.
Lucy: Yeah, right.

Normal families do things together like board games and country walks. Mine insults each other. And gets drunk. Can't wait till Christmas!