Hier soir, I went with my good friend Aoife to see Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason. Unfortunately Trish tagged along and ate all my Malteasers and totally pissed all over my big Bridget Jones parade. Only kidding! They weren't my Malteasers, they were Aoife's.
BJ2:TEofR (nice truncation, non?) is really, really bad. What's worst about it is it is not all that bad. It is bad because it is a completely different film to the book and deviates entirely from the first film and from any diurnal constraints. It would, however be a good film if it were judged on a different scale, namely a scale of crap films like Maid in Manhattan or Two Weeks' Notice, which are severely crap. In other words, it is crap but only because it's not crap enough to be really crap. Do you follow? Maybe I am moving too fast.
More, more, MORE!
How do you like it, how do you like it?
More, more, MORE!
How do you like my love??????
[Musical interlude to allow you to gather your thoughts and ponder my words.]
Actually, the music was extremely crap also. After about the third time they pumped out some mind-numbing disco tune to symbolise Bridget's joyful and carefree sexual empowerment (bah to sexual empowerment, I say), a few words uttered by my mother last weekend filtered through the fog of romantic tosh that surrounded me;
'Your sister saw Bridget Jones 2. She loved it. She wants the soundtrack for Christmas.'
Oh no. Oh NO!! I feel a repeat of last Christmas coming on, when I was forced to listen to the soundtrack of Love Actually for the entire holiday, due to us being in Galway, having only one CD player and my sister being really mean and punching my head.
Back to last night's excursion into hell: a sizable portion of the cinema's occupants actually applauded when Darcy proposed to Bridget. (If you have just covered your eyes and cried aloud at my revealing this fact, grow up. BJ2 has less dramatic tension than I have suitable comparisons for it's lack of dramatic tension. Which is none. How many romantic comedies have you seen lately? I have seen many. They always get it on in the end. Live it, learn it!) Even more sighed huskily when she caught the bouquet at a wedding, or when she trotted smuggly into the distance with her posh lawyer on her arm (after a wedding. In the snow. On Christmas. I am dying of tweeness).
These people are meant to be! Look how Mark glares sternly at Bridget's blubbery ramblings! He obviously loves her! See how she repeatedly prostrates herself before him (usually in front of posh lawyer types) in an effort to fit in! How adorable!
Look, posh laywers! Oh, Bridget has fallen over again! The posh lawyers are laughing! Ooh, large knickers! Bridget falls over! Smarmy Daniel, ooh he's naughty and sexy!
Twisttwisttwist!!! Bridget says something inappropriate... in front of posh lawyers! While wearing big knickers!
Smokes fag out window! Eschews use of all pronouns! Bugger! Cor blimey, Englishisms abound!
This sums up most of the film, but is a lot faster. Also, you didn't have to sit through the excruciating throwaway lesbian plot point, solely added for increased voyeurism, while I did. Just send me the bloody €8 you would have spent going to see this and we'll call it even.