Yesterday evening I sat my Driver Theory Test. And failed. Before you break into loud peals of hysterical laughter prompted by this fact, please bear in mind that I am a very sensitive and delicate person and am likely to start crying. Also, I dont give a f*ck what you sh*theads think, it was really f*cking hard. And who the f*ck wants to know how to drive anyway? Not me!
Having only procured the test booklet on Saturday, I spent most of Sunday and Monday (okay, half an hour on the bus. Then I fell asleep. It is dull as sh*t.) chortling at the stupid sample questions.
'How dumb would you have to be,' I demanded of those who had the misfortune to be in my company since Saturday, 'to get these wrong?! I mean, look- "When pedestrians are crossing the road ahead of you without waiting for the green man, you should A) Rev your engine to hurry them up, B) Honk your horn to move them along, or C) slow down and allow them to cross"! Come on!'
Ah, Lucy, you stupid, confident, wildly beautiful girl. How young and naive could I be? Extremely young and naive, as it happens. The tiny Chinese girl who came out giggling of the Theory test after me and sat smiling to herself until the invigilator called her up has more self-awareness than me. And she was wearing ballet slippers. And had pink hair.
'You don't know your road-signs' the invigilator told her sternly. She burst out giggling and covered her mouth with blue-nailpolished fingers. The invigilator cracked his cruel face into a smile and handed her a certificate. 'You passed ' he said, kindly.
She skipped happily out of the waiting room and I watched her with an indulgent smile, one I usually save for the parents of small children. With a start, I realised the invigilator was frowning deeply at me and holding a piece of paper. 'Lucy Aughney?' He said stonily.
'Yes?' I scurried up to the glass panel.
'You failed. Thirty-four.' Que Lucy's sinking heart and urge to start drinking.
'One more and you would have passed'.
'Right-o, thanks.' And I stumped off out the door and up the street.
See the unbridled bravery and courage in this scene? See how our mighty heroine stares defeat in the face and suffers the cruel injustice of being beaten by pink-haired girls whose first language isn't even english! See her who, sensing a challenge, stands up proudly to invite it! What strength, what unyeilding grit! Behold and be amazed, friends!