Saturday, January 01, 2005

Utter Drivel

Happy New Year! Did you have a good one? I had to kiss Jenny at midnight because I couldn't find a young man equal to my exacting standards, but all in all it was good. I mean, Jenny is a very good-looking girl. I have a good feeling about 2005. I can safely say that this looks like my year.

And like all good things, I feel it should start with a bang. Hence my little display in the ever-lovely Baldy Man last night. Before I tell you what I did, I must ask you a question. I must insist that you be frank in answering it. How do you feel about fiery young ladies who blatantly faff about drinking wine and whiskey (separately, naturally) though they are fully aware of the existence of the proverb about not mixing the grape and the grain? And what do you think of people who take their shoes off in pubs and stupidly sit on mucky walls in their new white skirts? Who wander around asking people 'have you seen my husband? He's the rich looking chap, I cant think where I left him!'? Who forgoes conventional money storage solutions and keeps all her change in her bra? Hmmm? Pretty bloody cool, I think we can all agree.

Also, I was almost in a fight. Me! In a fight! I wouldn't know a fight if it came up...and punched me in the face, actually. I would like to pretend it was over the honour of an honest maiden or something, but I am done with falsehoods. It is my new year's resolution: Give up smoking and falsehoods. I would also like to say that it was the kind of event that will remain lodged in my mind forever, a tense and profound insight into the vigour of quick-simmering violence, but I am afraid I had had quite a few drinks and am a complete blank on the subject. In fact, I didn't even know it had happened till Mags rang me this morning.

'Do you remember fighting with Dell last night?'
[Ahem. I should point out that in this instance Dell is a person, not a computer manufacturer. I have no quarrel with Dell the computer crowd. Lovely people, I'm sure.]
'Eh, no. What about?'
'He came up to you and said "Rachel is gone off upset, will you go look after her?" and you told him to fuck off and mind her himself since he was the one to upset her and he said you were a crap friend and you told him to go fuck himself and the next thing we knew the two of ye were bawling at each other and you were going for his neck. It was deadly, I had to hold you back.'

Now. 'Gobsmacked' is a word I don't use very often but I think I can safely say it fits here. 'Holy shit' fits here too but I've done quite enough blaspheming in my lifetime so i'll leave it at gobsmacked.

'Wha- seriously? I tried to hit him?'
'But he tried to hit you, Luce.'
'A girl? He tried to hit a girl? Aren't there, like, laws about hitting girls? That is scandalous, I am shocked.'
'Well, you did keep screaming 'no, no- fuck you!' at him. I wanted to hit you.'
'Mags! I'm hurt.'
'You've never seen you drunk, obviously.'
'Hmmm. Ah, well. Good night altogether, wasn't it?'

Learn your lesson and move on. That is my other New Year's resolution. That and to avoid saloon brawls if I can help it at all.

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