Sunday, April 02, 2006

Sugar, We're goin' down swinging



Tramore is a small town. It has a population of about 7,500 and serves an outlying community of about four million Dublin scumbags and knackers. Dems de breaks, folks. About 5 miles outside Tramore is the village of Fenor, which boasts a population of about -8. It is famous for the Fenor Bog, a wetlands reclamation project that has seen the demise of many a wandering wino. For this we thank it, if for nothing else.

It is less famous for being the birthplace of my good friend, Miss Marie Connolly. You know Marie. Trust me. If you're male you've probably scored her. She's a legend. Either way, your land probably adjoins her fathers. BECAUSE (whisper it) she's a bogger. I didn't want to be the one to tell you but there you go. She lives (dramatic pause) avec fields. As in: the countryside. If you haven't, by some unfortunate occurance, gotten off with Marie then you are surely related to her. Thanks to the immense reproductive powers of the farming class, Marie is related to about 76% of the Tramore parish. Which means she can't procreate with most of the town. She tries though. Boy, does she try.

Even if you are not a relative of Marie's or have never gotten off with her, then you have surely come into contact with her somehow. Do you remember that time you were soooooo sick and you couldn't remember your own name? Yeah, the girl that was holding back your hair? That was Marie. She's like that. Perhaps you got talking to a random blonde girl waiting for a taxi, and she kept fucking singing and nothing would shut her up, or you fell over in a pub and someone picked you up and told you were grand and not to worry about it. Yeah, Marie.

Last night (Friday) I decided that I would buy Aly a half-dozen birthday drinks. Unfortunately I couldn't remember where I left my money so Marie had to pay. It was pure, unadulterated, whorish gold: 'Marie, money over here, now!' Marie gave me a pat down to check for my dough but fortunately (for her) it was not found. I found all my money two hours later in my bra. For all future muggers, that's where I keep it. No one's gonna look there are they?

Old joke.

We won't talk about it.

Point is Marie, legend that she is, covered me for all my silliness.

Marie has been surrogate mammy to me for quite some years now: lending me fags, robbing mine back; buying me packets of crisps when I don’t want them and claim to be too hungover to eat; telling me that people were asking after me when they clearly weren’t because she knows how this feeds my vile, narcissitic side [note: fairly large 'side']; laughing at all my extremely bad jokes; telling me I’m lovely when I’m clearly dishevelled and horrible; smiling good-naturedly when I take the piss out of her and generally putting up with all my shit.

Today is her twenty-third birthday and she deserves all the terribly out-of-character solemnity I can possibly heap on her ever-kind and disarmingly-genuine person. Partly because she’s pretty fucking deadly but mainly because she will read this, and everything rude and disrespectful I ever write about her, and she will throw her head back and laugh her ridiculous, loud, infectious laugh.

Marie: dude, you are the shit.

And, yes, I was drunk writing this. Fuckit. I love me some Marie.

PS: Yah, can't post pictures to save my life. Ah well. Jesus was a crossmaker*.

PPS: Con, if you want a better photo of yourself knocking around then stop wearing those stupid headbands. Nerd.

* Obligatory Roisin mention.

14 comments:

Jenny said...

Eh, moving and all as that is Lucy I would like to point out that you infact found your money in your jeans pocket on the way home in the taxi and not in your bra. And before you ask, yes you were in a taxi!

Mossy said...

Thanks for ruining the fantasy Jenny! THanks a lot.

Voodoolady said...

Go Mariem, ya ledge!

liz said...

powerful stuff lucy spoken like a true drunk! good stuff!my my isnt everyone getting really grown up now!

Ashleenah said...

jees loose --- you're not made of stone after all.. Just kidding - HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIE.
Loose ---Dry your eyes mate

Chris Cope said...

That map makes it look as if you live in Middle Earth.

Curly said...

Wish her a happy birthday for me, she was tremendously helpful when she bunged me into a taxi when I was clearly unable to walk on Saturday night.

Marie said...

Mmmmmm.....intresting. Touching in a scary kind of way. Wow I always thought you hated me when in fact it turns out you are in love with me, was it a self preservation thing like in your favourite film of all time Love Actually, don't deny it I know you loved it just like you love me it seems...

Lucy said...

Bitch, please. I was DRUNK. As we all know, nothing I say drunk means anything. If you get all smug about this I SWEAR TO GOD I'll post what you did to that seventeen year old in the alley way to Coppers.

Jenny said...

Ah what the hell post it anyway!

Voodoolady said...

ooh, scandal...

Marie said...

Ha ha making up stuff again Luce, he was 17 and a half actually lol

Ashleenah said...

who's this now marie? My mates lil brother???

;0)

Marie said...

Eh no Lucys making up stuff again. That was Lucy and your fault for making me sit beside him and letting me get so drunk. Thank Fuck I haven't seen him around UCD I would actually cry. How are you anyway, enjoying being a student again?