Good afternoon and welcome to another installment of 'Lucy fabricates the news'! Not REALLY making the news today is:
* Mark Westlife reveals his gayness. Said devoted crush, Ashling: "Sob!". Scoffed devoted sceptic Lucy: "Ha! Told you so."
* Declan O'Rourke deliveres storming gig to a packed National Concert Hall. Renowned wit Lucy Aughney was spotted dancing feverishly in the choir seats while singing the wrong lyrics to all the songs. Said Aughney: "I've had no tea and six vodkas. Bring it,
* Paddy Casey spotted meandering through Dublin hotspot, The Village. Local beauty Lucy Aughney, in the vicinity with a gaggle of DIT librarians said: "He's bitsy! I want to pick him up and put him in me pocket!"
* Jenny Kiely is rumoured to have purchased a new fireplace. "It's sexual" claimed Kiely, a close acquaintence of gifted writer, Lucy Aughney.
* News of David Burtenshaw's bootilicious weekend away in Edinburgh just in: the housemate of the irresistible Ms Aughney is proported to have gotten stonkingly drunk for four successive evenings and failed to cop off with anyone. Not even Andrew. "That'll teach you, sister-kisser" muttered the vivacious Lucy.
* Tramore's finest reveal weekend plans: Mags and Jenny will be knocking the stuffing out of the Baldy Man as part of the warm-up to Mags' upcoming migration to Wales; Marie and Mairead will chew up the young men of Rosslare in drunken lust, an evening disguised as 'a few drinks in Rosslare with Claire"; Donna will bid adieu to the Guinness Storehouse and swallow large quantities of the stuff at her going-away party; Joanne will remain sober in preparation for upcoming dental surgery; Lucy will sit in and paint her toenails; Aoife will get drunk in San Francisco.
Peace out, brothers.