Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Lucy pisses on children's dreams; leads damned life

I am going to hell. Seriously.

About three weeks ago Jean had to leave work early and gave me a letter to post. It was by a small boy to his favourite band, Westlife. Jean asked me to find their fanclub address on the internet and post it off for him. This was her first mistake. Her second was asking me yesterday if I'd remembered to post it. In the middle of the childrens library. During storytime. Surrounded by about a dozen bored mothers and much too many people under the age of four.

'Fuck' I said.

Thankfully, most of the children ignored me and just went on brawling with each other and drawing on the walls. Their mothers, already pissed off with having to spend all day, every day with their offspring did not.

It gets worse. The boy in question, the fecker who wrote the letter, goes to a special needs school in Waterford. He spent (cringe) a whole hour typing up the three-page letter to Westlife and (wince) two weeks collecting signatures from the other kids in his school for the accompanying petition. And then there's this:

'PS: My favourite Westlife song is Wind beneath my Wings. My mum says it reminds her of me.'

The letter is, of course, lost. Knowing me, I probably used it as a taper to light a bonfire of orphans' Christmas presents. I spent a frantic half hour last night trying to forge forty kids' signatures on to a page but as it happens, Jean is off sick today so it look's like i'm in the clear. Until the day of reckoning anyway. There's no hiding from the big guy.


Marie said...

You did let on you posted the letter right? There was a postal strike around 3 weeks ago, tell her they must have lost it. Lie Augh, I always do. The big guy will forgive you he knows your a bit thick.

Linus said...


Satan is reserving his pointiest fork for you, Lucy.

Misspent said...

I dunno, you might have done this young man a favor after all and have saved him from sin. Losing his fan letter reach Westlife may stop him from starting down the path to life as a homosexual. After all, they might have sent him back a group picture that he would have hung on his mirror and used to fantasize.

You're out of luck, though, if he spent the previous three years prior crafting a letter to Boyzone.

Voodoolady said...

At least you didn't give him your scabies.

stephenesque said...

What are you so worried about. Hell is much better place to be than Heaven.
After all, Heaven is full of those cloying, self-righteous bores who actually want to post drivel to Westlife for special needs kids (who will also be up there in droves cramping your style).
Much more fun downstairs where it's hot and cozy.

Joey said...

Yeah, hell is full of casinos,sex drugs and ROCK AND ROLL man! Thats Where you want to be baby. Its where the Stones are going. Soon. Hey remember back in Eire when I mixed up Satan and satin? Messy...

Curly said...

Like they're going to get round to reading it this year anyway.

Come on, tell him to type it out again - and to shorten it this time so the postie doesn't have to lug round so much weight.

What's that Satan? Hide loads of fake letters from kiddies in Jeans drawer, make it look as though she hoards them?

Right. I'll tell her.

Chris Cope said...

Unless the petition was one demanding that Westlife kill themselves it probably wasn't worth sending anyway.

Jenny said...

Im with marie on this one!

fuzzbrian said...


Mossy Moors said...

And what did your "crumby" mother say of all this when she read your blog?

Don't tell me you deny her the privilege not only of viewing you in bra and pants but also of reading her daughter's words????