Lucy goes a-courting

If you are planning on falling in love with someone in the near future, there are a few things you should know. First of all, who ever you choose will have to be someone you can bear to see a great deal and who has a half decent name that you don't mind scrawling on your copybooks/tattooing on your arm. Some people will make the mistake on basing their love-choice purely on attraction- this is wrong. Just because the sight of someone's buttocks or breasts makes you want to sleep with them does not mean you are suited to each other. Sex always clouds things. You can't have sex all day, every day you know! Eventually someone has to get up and put shoes on and go out to buy food. And all that activity would be utterly exhausting.

Then there are people who seek out those with similar interests to them. This is ridiculous! If you found yourself so fascinating in the first place you would not feel the need to go after anyone else and would be content sitting in and talking to yourself. Also, I would tremble in terror if I thought there was anyone with similar interests to me out there. If such a person does exist, I hope they stay well enough away from me.

What you should look for, obviously, are the little things. The things that mean life with this person could in fact be bearable. Whether they are tidy. Whether they will let you talk about yourself for hours on end. And whether they know to stay quiet when the O.C. is on the telly. If you are a woman seeking a man, know your itinery: 'Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money' and choose accordingly. If you are a man seeking a woman, look for someone who seems sexually promiscuous. The ones with no will-power are much likely to take to barefaced dictatorial control from you ('Woman! Make me a sandwich! Do my washing! Wash my car! That's what you're with me for, isn't it?') which will make for a much smoother ride for you in the long run.

If you are in the market for a partner, there are a few simple steps you should follow.
1: Women: Wear as little clothing as possible. Go to a place playing loud music and try to look whory.
2: Men: Buy a BMW key ring and clip it to your keys. Swing these around your index finger in your local loud-music place and look out for whory-looking women.
3: Singles of either sex: Struggle to suppress your true personality for as long as possible. In my experience, the more someone knows about you the quicker they will run away. If you are any good at self-denial and deception (and if you were brought up an Irish Catholic, you will be) this should be a doddle and before you know it you will wind up married to someone. Then is the time to reveal the true horribleness of your character, when you officially own half of everything of theirs.

In following these few steps, you will under no circumstances find love and happiness. You may, if you are lucky, find someone who can tolerate you enough to hang around with you every now and again and lets you sleep with them. Ideally not. I would hate to think of any of you lot running the risk of procreating.