Friday, March 25, 2005

Disaster becomes you

Yesterday evening, around eight o' clock I had my wallet nicked from a table in a bar I was trying desperately not to slide under (the table, not the bar; even I would have trouble sliding under a bar). One minute it was there, resting benignly by my elbow, the next it was gone. Needless to say, I wasn't too impressed and after I was persuaded that one of the lads hadn't taken it as a joke, took immediate steps towards it's return. Specificially, I checked behind all the sanitary bins in the ladies loos, as directed by the bartender I reported the loss to, in case it had been stripped of all cash and chucked away. No such luck. Being the relaxed, philosophical lass that I am, I shrugged it off fairly quickly. Especially when people began buying me drinks to cheer me up.

'Aw, that's awful,' commiserated Rebecca. 'You must be gutted.' Not so much. Let me calculate my loss:

My age card
My bank card
A scrunched up ten Euro note
About four Euro in change
One Juicy tube in 'Peche'
One tampon
One mint
Fluff
One receipt from the Foundry in Carlow (kept for sentimental value)
Various till receipts from bars the length and breadth of Ireland (kept in case I ever had to start a small fire somewhere)

About an hour later, returning from the toilets again having spent ten minutes marvelling at the amazing effects of the neon anti-heroine lights on various parts of my clothing, I found Rebecca chatting to a distressed looking female. 'This girl has had her purse nicked too,' she said.

Good God! A major crime ring unfolding under my very nose! I was thrilled of course. 'Oh wow.' I said. This girl revealed in trembling tones that her purse had turned out to be a much better score for our shared robber. Besides bank, credit and cheque cards, the lucky thief had snatched himself the girls rent money for the month, which she had just withdrawn from an ATM.

'Oh wow' I repeated. What else could I say? My loss was nothing compared to hers. I felt bad though. I had a fiver in my pocket I could have offered her but I needed it for my bus fare home. 'Wowowowowow.'

I have decided that the thief probably discarded my pathetically empty purse after seeing his loot from the second job. Not wanting to weigh himself down with useless empty purses he no doubt turfed it away and rang a limo to go home and spend the other girl's rent money. Bastard. So I'd like you all to keep an eye out for it in your locality. Check gutters, rubbish bins and especially behind sanitary bins. That's the hottest guess, apparantly. It's rectangular and a kind of bronze colour, and has a zip running along the side of it. I'm not offering a reward for it's return because, let's face it, I'm broke and the pleasure that comes from doing a good deed should be enough for you. When you find it make sure you wear gloves to pick it up 'cos I want to retain all forensic evidence to track the bastard down. Don't go mucking it up with your dirty fingerprints or an awkward situation might arise where I track you down and slap you about, thinking you a common crook. Don't say I haven't warned you.

1 comment:

Marie said...

Aughney you amaze me with your humourous account of having your wallet stolen. If it was mine i'd accuse, cry, moan and probably ring the gaurds even if I had nothing in it. We should all live by your wonderful attitude to life, remain continuously pisssed and nothing will ever seem that bad. Happy Easter Alcho!