LUCY: Alan. I have some bad news for you.
LUCY: Yeah. See, I was talking to Noel the other day and I kinda got the impression he was not planning on inviting me to your stag party.
LUCY: Don't say anything, I can read the disappointment right off your face.
ALAN: Um, yeah.
LUCY: You see, I don't know if I should be saying this or not but I feel I have to Alan, because I respect you and care about your well-being. I CARE, Al. Noel, right, I know he's your brother and all, but I feel, I FEEL, Alan, that he is not the best best man you could have. He doesn't seem to have any prostitutes or coke lined up for you AT ALL. I don't know what he's planning but when I mentioned buying handcuffs for you and finding a nice, public lampost he just looked at me like I was stupid. Like, hello?
ROBERTA: Shut up, Lucy.
LUCY: That's another thing. This Alex guy you have lined up for pageboy: Who the hell is he? I've met him and he seems thoroughly dodgy. He told me himself that his favourite song was that Breakfast Roll thing. And I just KNOW his mother is teaching him swear-words to yell during the ceremony. Absolute nutjob.
ROBERTA: That is my son you're slagging off, bitch. He is THREE.
LUCY: Whatevs, 'Bert. You know and I know he's a shady character. What I'm saying, Alan, is who's gonna look cuter carrying the rings up the church, me or this Alex guy? Have you seen this ass?
[Gestures to bottom.]
ALAN: Listen, Luce, I appreciate that and all but we've already got his little tux bought. And the flowergirl is Mags' 1 & 1/2-year old niece, so we kinda need to stick with the height thing.
LUCY: Oh, height! You're so height-ist! Ya know, I can look practically midget-like when I slump my shoulders like this. See?
[Sits on floor.]
ALAN: Yeah... I think we'll stick with Alex, all the same. It'd break his little heart if he got the push.
LUCY: Fine! It's your crappy wedding when it all goes wrong in the end! Christ. Next you'll be telling me I'm not allowed to sing I Believe I Can Fly at the ceremony...!
ALAN: Em... Better talk to Mags about that. I think she wants some kind of, like, hymn for the ceremony. She's not a huge fan of R Kelly. Not since all the child-rape stuff.
LUCY: Oh, her! What does she know! You know, I started saying to her the other day how much fun we would all have at the hen night eating chocolate penises and rubbing oil on ugly male strippers and d'ya know, I kinda got the impression I won't be invited to that either! Fucking crazy.