Tuesday, May 16, 2006

New Jersey. You can't tell but I'm saying that in my shitcool NJ accent I learned off Tony Soprano

Yeah, so my sister is heading over to Yankee land for the summer. New Jersey, if you want to track her down and stalk her. Just follow the police sirens. The other day she was telling me and my mother all about this boy she knows who went to San Diego last summer and worked himself into ten grand of debt over the three months he was there. Boy, that must have been a gold-plated three months. My mother immediately passed out on the kitchen floor when she heard this and when she awoke she immediately started drinking. I was all: 'Kate, we haven't even had lunch yet', but she just gave me a look. Her look said: 'Bitch, please. Don't even get me started.'

Because my sister has no money. And I mean, NONE. She got a loan to pay for this trip but she has, wisely enough, spent it all on clothes and booze. And maybe drugs and strippers, I'm not sure what she gets up to in college. BECAUSE SHE GOT THE LOAN IN FEBRUARY. I was against it at the time. I said: 'Don't be foolish Sal, you'll have it all spent by June. Listen to your financially-brilliant-yet-inexplicably-broke sister on this.' But she just gave me a look. HER look said 'Shut up fucker, I want that dough.'

So now Ma has to finance it all. It's going to be a fun summer. If I do something dumb and need a high-priced OJ-type lawyer to get me out of it, I can pretty much sing for it. Sally and her mates are having a going-away party in two weeks time and let me tell you, I have never been so excited about anything in my entire life. Except maybe vodka. And it's a fancy-dress party. Wowowowowow. American-themed. I've said that we should charge admission or at least whore Sally out for a while but you can bet that little gem will get ignored. Sally's going as Carrie Bradshaw in a tutu because she kinda has this Sarah JP nose-thing going on. Kate C is going as Dolly Parton. Sinead is going as Paris Hilton. I am wearing a blue dress with a stain on and going as The Most Famous Intern Ever. I know. I am so fucking current, aren't I? Also, notice how everyone seems to want to go as celebrity bimbos? THAT IS WHAT WE THINK OF WHEN WE THINK OF YOU, AMERICA. Comforting, I know.

The other day I was trying to up my good friend Dave's excitement levels about this party by telling him all this. Dave doesn't do excitement. He doesn't really do emotions, actually, unless you count lethargy and I DON'T. So I told him about Sally going as SJP and he says: 'She's the girl off Friends, right?' I was all ready to crush his laid-back arse for this HUGE misstep in girl-lore but then Roisin caught my eye and gave me a look.

As you may have noticed, I'm fairly susceptible to looks. Roisin's look in this scenario very clearly said: 'NO. Leave it. He's cuter when he's being dumb. And Sally can smack him harder than you can.' And you can't argue with that.

4 comments:

Misspent said...

Funny, when I think of the Irish I think of foul-mouthed drunks...so, maybe there is something to these stereotypes?

Is there something about San Diego that attracts the Irish? I am friends with an Irishman who spent quite a lot of time in San Diego. In my world hearing that two Irishman have been to San Diego means that there must be something other than coincidence.

Chris Cope said...

Having formerly lived in San Diego, I am not at all surprised by that debt. San Diego is a place that consumes money the way Americans consume food.

Oh, and we tend not to think of ourselves as anything more than a land full of bimbos. Bimbos and Toby Keith.

Lucy said...

Thanks Misspent, I'm busy doing my best to perpetuate that reputation. And San Diego has SUNSHINE. We haven't seen the sun in four hundred years.

Who's this Toby Keith guy? I've heard so much about him. I may have to go out and buy a CD of his to educate myself.

stephenesque said...

As far as I can remember, there is absolutely nothing to spend money on in New Jersey .... and San Diego only has a mediocre zoo.