Thursday, December 12, 2002




On Monday morning last, when UCD student Lucy Aughney attempted to rise her roommate from bed as she had been asked to do the previous evening, she was greeted with a series of foul mouthed slurs and curses. Ms Aughney, having being told my her roommate Ms Marie Connolly to 'wake me before you go to work tomorrow will ya, I have to fucking study', bent over her friends sleeping head and told her in a low voice that it was time to get up. Ms Connolly responded negatively.

Lucy tried again. Ms Connolly told her to get lost. Lucy pointed out that she had told her to wake her the previous evening. Ms Connolly snorted in derision. Upon a further attempt to rise her, Lucy was surprised and upset when her roommate sat up in her bed and declared herself 'fucking wrecked' and requested that Lucy went and 'fucked herself' because 'fuck off youre not my fucking mother!'

Lucy stumbled from the room, her mind reeling. She says what hit her the most was not the brutal verbal abuse she herself recieved but the disrespectful way Ms Connolly referred to her mother, the lovely Mrs Kathleen Connolly. Fellow house- mate Claire Crean expressed concern at Ms Connollys lazy and disrespectful behaviour: 'I was frankly shocked at Marie's attitude, I mean shes in college now, does she think its all just a big doss or something?' Ms Crean added that this is nothing new for Marie, she has 'always been a bitch'.

Upon further questioning later in the day, Marie did not apologize for her unruly behaviour but put it down to 'having a toasted cheese sandwich before bed'. Explaining further she said 'everyone knows cheese gives you nightmares. So I was probably really grumpy from all the bad dreams I had'.

Ms Aughney has declared herself not entirely satisfied with this explanation but in the name of safety has removed all dairy products from the house.


Never heard of the language, 'Eglish' Lucy.
Amy Burns, Ugly Wuglie
Mention me in your next one will ya?!
Janine Whyte, attention seeking person.
You'd better not have got yourself a D4 accent when you come home!
Mairead Flanagan, Waterford dweller

They fuck you up, your mum and dad- they may not mean to but they do.
Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse
Though he is a dead British man, Philip Larkin has a lot in common with Marie Connolly. No, not the toyings with homosexuality. Or even the schoolgirl porn he loved. Look beyond the superficial similarities and you will see that he, as evidenced by this quote from a poem, had no respect for his mammy either. In fact, I must point out that bothe used the words 'fuck' and 'mum' in the same sentence! What does this tell you, eh? lots!


Meaning: Showing lack of courage and determination.
Eg; The sleeping student was extremly pusillanimous in her inabilty to rise from her bed.


Since I have been abiding in the lovely city of Dublin, I have discovered that it is called 'the lovely city of Dublin' for a reason. This reason is that all the lovliest and most attractive people live here making it glow with lovliness. A great source of this lovliness is the copious amounts of celebrities that abide here alongside me. And I have been surprised how many of them seem to flock to me. Like to like as the famous physicist said (probably).

One has to know where to go of course to meet these lovely people. They are all living in Dublin for a reason and that reason is that every other county is shit for celebrity hangouts. The most glamorous person you'd get anywhere else would be Peig Sayers looking at the boats in Galway bay or something (yes I know shes dead).

I have compiled a short list of some of the lovely famous people I have sighted in Dublin and the place of sighting for your interest. Well, partly for your interest, mainly for my own satisfaction.

Dana- AIB bank
Ursula Hannigan- Kildare St
Mick Lally- Marks and Spencers
Tommy Tiernan- Dame St
Maria Doyle Kennedy- Alan Hanna's, Rathmines
Posh, English- sounding chap off Fair City- Alan Hanna's Rathmines

Yes, I know, I am great. I am practicely famous myself I have so many famous mates!

Just the one really. If anyone knows a girl called Deirdre who's from Donegal, stop reading now. Anyway, her names Deirdre, she's from Donegal and she plans to open her own bookshop some day, but she also wants to sell (and I quote), 'crafts I make myself'. Odd odd odd. She especialy enjoys crochet and making handbags and purses and beaded necklaces for her friends. She makes clay beads in her oven at home for the necklaces. Dum de dum dum...

Since I've started back in the bookshop, she (who may I point out has only been working there a monmth and only just started learning how to service) is giving me instructions. I have tried my notorious death- inducing gaze on her when shes looking the other way, but she is strangely resistant. Here is a direct quote from her, hereafter known as squirrely- fucking- dickface. The squirrely part is cos she looks like a sleepy squirrel.

'Hi Lucy, would you mind not winding the prittstick down the whole way to the bottom of the tube when youre finished using it cos it leaves a little hole in the middle and its really annoying, you know?'

Why?! Why is it annoying? Its a hole! It keeps the prittstick from drying out overnight! Dont get me started on how she moves my sellotape over beside her and hogs the stamp pad and always, ALWAYS takes the good scissors, or I may cry.

Today however she committed the most awful of crimes. She insulted Mundy! If any of ye were listening to Pat Kenny this morning, Mundy was on talking about some program hes doing on RTE and then he played 'July', which, as many of you may know, is a particular favourite of mine. I was there singin along, having a bit of a dance as well if truth be told and she goes; Who's this singing?

It's Mundy, says I.
Oh, says she, he has a real cult follwing with students all right doesnt he?
With STUDENTS!!!?!
I just glared at her. And she kept working away himming a little Monkees tune. Skank. First of all, i disdain the idea that the fabulous Mundy could be succesful for only frivilious and cultish reasons. Secondly, and more pertinent I belive, I HATE students and I will not be classed as one! I hate them, they drink too much and are always getting in surveys and making the rest of us 18- 24 yr olds look bad. So, naturally I hate the bitch and am working on ways to get her fired. Answers on a postcard to the usual address.


My most sincere apologies for not keeping to my usually notoriously high writing standards and quality of content (!)of my newsletters. I can only blame this on my staff, they are extremly lazy and never do anything I ask them. You'd swear I was the only one working here they way they sit around! Some days they dont even show up at the office! I am firing them all as of this second and advertising for new employees. Please email me your CV and a non- ugly photo if you wish to apply. No Trinity ass holes need apply. You WILL be ridiculed.

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