***THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER***
How nice it is to go home to one's fans! I cannot count how many times I was told how beloved my newsletter was to desperate students all around Ireland! Mr David Power also said that he has shown it to an American friend of his and SHE liked it. This news upsets me greatly. It is a well known fact that Americans have no sense of humour, and also I have just decided, no taste. So I take this as an insult.
Did anyone grab me and urge a glass into my hand? No. Not even a wrinkled five euro note was thrust upon me as a sign of yuletide good will! Oh, words are all very good but they dont wet a parched throat like a glass of something wet can! You stingy bastards, its my birthday in three months i dont want to see a repeat performance of this ungenerous Christmas!
*lucy*receives*glowing*tribute*from*promising*young*poet*
Ms Eavan McGovern accosted me in my local public house last night and burbled for quite some time about something she had emailed to me. This is what i found in my inbox this morning. Ms McGovern has claimed that she finds alcohol greatly conducive to her writing. I believe this is evidenced in her writing below.
'Hello there, Lucy, to you I write,
This icy cold December night,
Your witty and sharp writing I must commend
My literary minded, book loving friend,
For ofts the time I get funny looks,
When in the library hemmed in by books,
Cos raucous giggling can be heard from me,
As i read your work alongside anatomy,
Your script is bursting with spontaneity
loved not just by me but by my med. family,
Shakespeare and Heaney, it's time to make way
Cos making her mark is this Tramore lady!'
Can I just point out that I had nothing to do with that at all, she thought it up herself. I must admire the poets confident use of rhyme and also her spelling- i cannot spell 'raucous'. Or 'spontaneity'. Though hero worship is, for me as it is for all the great role models to the young, rather burdensome i must admit that such lovely ringing praise is always welcome though Ms McGovern should know that a monetary donation to my "campaign fund" is also greatly appreciated.
*Lucy*fucks*up*
Fell over on muddy bank and got very dirty, and was observed by jeering and rude young men in passing automobile. Pride sincerely abashed. Happy?!
*Marie*fucks*up*
Marie, being slightly intoxicated last night and unfortunatly without my guidance, wandered down to taxi office in the wee hours of the morning and proceeded to proclaim in loud and not uncertain tones that a certain person of the female persuasion, who shall remain nameless, was 'fucking easy' went on to destroy any claims to virtue this young lady might have had. Unfortunatly the young lady in question was sitting on a wall not very far away.
I must add, to compound the readers horror, that Marie knew the young lady was in very close proximity to her and continued to slander her heedless to all attempts to silence her. I must repeat my earlier assertion that Marie is a wicked person and should be burnt at the stake. Any volunteers for getting together an angry mob and attacking her with pitchforks, please contact me.
*word*of*the*day*
'homothallic'
Algae or fungus that have both male and female reproductive organs, and are thus self- fertilizing.
That is fucking disgusting.
*horrible*things*that*people*say*to*me*
Mags O'Neill, who up until last night I considered my friend, has recently told me that, 'I bet Marie would be easier to live with than you'. Horror struck, I could not answer.
'The socks' I whispered, 'theyre everywhere!'
She would not believe me. 'She leaves her books in piles on the floor' i pointed out angrily. 'And shes always telling me the same stories over and over again'
Who can honestly say that they think I would be worse to live with than Marie? I mean, seriously!
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