12/11/2002

******THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER******

**In*The*News*This*Week**

*Lucy voted 'messiest housemate' by other housemates. Lucy demands a recount
*Lucy flashes out in fancy new nike footwear- which the inmates of UCD fail to notice and praise despite repeated efforts to display them.
*Marie plans outfit to woo Mr David Grey in on Thursday. Lucy's innocent comment that he is 'probably married' is scorned by Marie
*Marie uses new clothes horse for first time. Her initial response is 'good drying time, sturdy structure'.
*Eavan McGovern continues to avoid checking her mail, so no newsletters will deliver, rendering any mention of her name in a bitchy light as she is not receiving them. Darn! Someone tell her, please?

***The*Funniest*Joke*In*The*World!***

Right, these two hunter guys were out in the woods doing what you do in the woods- No Marie, not gay sex! That's what YOU do in the woods! They were hunting right and suddenly the guy in front starts grasping at his throat- hack, hack!- and coughing and spluttering and then he falls right over- bang!- hits the forest floor with a thud, squirms around for a bit until finally his eyes roll back in his head and he lies still.

His friend is in considerable shock- Hey buddy what's the matta? You sick buddy? Shit buddy, you ok?
So he grabs his mobile phone and calls 999- Hey my buddy was coughing and choking and now he's slumped on the ground with a deathly pallor on his brow! I think he might be dead!!
So the 999 operator says- ok, ok, calm down, breathe with me, calm- now, are you absolutely sure he's dead?
Hello?
Hello? she says to empty space. What's happening she wonders,

BANG!! echoes through the forest and down the phone line to the operator-

Okay, I'm sure, what next? comes the voice from the end of the phone

That was voted to be the funniest joke in the world, my aunt saw it somewhere- It must have been all Americans voting.

***Marie*Connolly*And*How*To*Live*With*Her!**

Because of intervention on behalf of Ms Connolly by her legal team, I am unable to bring you the promised list of Marie's bad habits. Nor can I ever mention her name in relation to highlighter damaging incidents. I can however bring you the next best thing- the all new, updated and revivified Marie Fucks Up column!!

***Marie*Fucks*Up!!***

Yes my friends, for my weeks I have been complaining that nothing upsetting/ mortifying happens to me anymore, thus the demise of the dearly loved Lucy Fucks Up column. To my utmost surprise I have recently discovered that the reason for this is not because I am boring, but because newly hatched first year student Marie Connolly is taking the fall for me!

Yes, this year it is Marie who is staying the dumb stuff, losing things and wandering around in a confused daze. Her periodic blindness due to the removal of her contact lenses gives me great hope for the future- very soon I expect her to be walking into trees and falling over in public!

May my legacy live on in the hearts of first years everywhere!

***Interesting*Anthropological*Insight*Into*Ucd*Students***

Errr... D4heads wear pink the whole time? And drive jeeps? I'm out.

***Interesting*Geographical*Insight*Into*Similarities*Between*West*Of*Ireland*And*Middle*Earth***

It is my great pleasure to relate to you my scientific findings on this matter. A couple of weeks ago, after a particularly hectic night on the tiles of Tramore's most illustrious niteclub, i wandered home pondering the stars and the meaning of life and fell into bed at an early AM.

Trying to motivate myself to get up and turn off the light, my gaze skittered round my room in search of a long stick like object with which I could turn off light switch without getting out of bed, when my eyes settled upon the map Of Tolkien's Middle Earth hanging upon
my wall. [Yes, I am a nerd; what of it?] In my somewhat inebriated state I noticed that Middle Earth is unusually similar to the West of Ireland in its Coastline and geographic landforms.

Struck somewhat euphoric by my discovery, I giggled loudly to myself for a few minutes until my dear mother arrived from the next room with a murderous look and turned off my light for me. So the tale has a happy ending.

The next morning I woke with the sun at noon and discounting the harried glance of my mother, immediately began a systematic comparison of the two regions using my poster and my sisters school atlas. These are my findings.

The mighty kingdom of Gondor is in fact the slightly less mighty county of Galway.
The busy bay of Belfalas is Galway bay.
Laketown, in the North of Middle Earth, is also known as Foxford.
The Shire is sited near Castlebar... meaning,

The dwelling place of all that is evil and foul, the home of the ring and its vile master, that place called Mordor is in fact... ATHLONE!

You have been warned...