I have a small problem. Well its a large one actually- at least it is to me. In order to write this titilating and witty publication it has come to my attention that i must have something to say, be it inane or otherwise (otherwise you say??). This necessitates that i leap from my bed EVERY MORNING and go out into the world to meet people. Yes, thats right: people. This is a terrificly difficult task for me because the species PEOPLE are terribly rare in UCD. Large stinking assholes and whining gimps yes, people no. But i do try, because i hate to let my fans down.
This evening, for example, i went to a meeting of the ELS, which stand for the Extremly Loud Saps, oh no wait, its the English Literary Society. But they were extremly loud and sappish, so i belive i am succint (?) in my description. A meeting of the ELS involves a group of people ( on the whole arts students, im ashamed to say) sitting around writing creative pieces about random topics that the leader for the night chooses.
Typical creative topics include:
Deserts
Buttons
Paris
Lakes in Italy
The beauty of Horses
Chess
Marxism
As you can see, a pretty random bunch. As are its members; you actually have to be an acredited asshole to get in the door- i swear, i had to don a pair of boots and a handbag to gain admittance!
That was my experience with 'people' for today, i might try again tomorrow if i'm up to it.
**********A*FUNNY*THING*HAPPENED*ON*ME*WAY*TO*A*LECTURE*********** ***new addition!***
This section will be devoted to the Hilaaaaaaaaarious mishaps and evnets that i witness on my journeys around campus. Today i will recount for you a humorous event (apparently) which took place at my History tutorial yesterday. Please bear in mind that i dont fully understand what happened here myself so dont try to follow it with too much diligence as you may become lost. I know i did.
Well now. i was sitting there in my History tutorial having a laugh (LIE) when your one (tutor person) asks us this :
'What did France become in November 1793?'
Being the enthusiastic and excitable (slightly) student that i am i shrieked up : 'A democracy!' Much to my surprise and horror the remainder of the class instead muttered sulkily: 'republic', and all then proceeded to laugh and snigger unpleasantly. Assholes.
What went on here, you may well wonder. I too wonder. What differentiates a democracy from a republic i query and why is the confusion of the two terms such a laughable matter?
Questions answered, answers questioned.
********LETTERS*TO*THE*EDITOR***********
I'm sueing you for misquoting me.
-Grainne Walsh, friend?
I find your newsletter both educational and informative, thank you.
- Ann Marie Mullen, friend
Your newsletters give me the will to live that is all i can say.
- Donna Purcell, friend
Dearest Lucy, keep those wonderful words flowing from your river of knowledge.
- David Power, Trinity person (grrr)
I do love your little newsletter, it cheers me up no end when im down in shit hole Cork.
-Margaret O'Neill, Cork- dweller
If i had any quotes that would get me into your letters section, believe me I would not hesitate.
- Sarah Brennan, friend
*****************LUCY*FUCKS*UP****************
***Closing down sale!***
I hereby announce the closure of this column. It has become obsolete since i found my spiritual self and adopted a centre of knowledge.
My motto has completly erradicated all need for such a column.
MOTTO: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRUMSTANCES RUN UP OR DOWN STEPS.
THIS IS THE WORD OF GOD.
*************WORD*OF*THE*DAY*************
This column has been getting a bit of bad press recently (well, no actually it hasnt- no one gives a fuck about it) because of the controversy that surrounds it after a wee mistake in Sunday's issue. Im afraid that the word i advised to utilised in all converstaions for that day, was unbeknownst to me, a fake. it is in fact a ... dirty word! yes, it completly slipped my mind that the word 'bust' means a certain personal part of a womans body- i am sorry for distress caused to any delicate and polite readers of my letter. It will not happen again.
Word of the day- Meritocracy.
Meaning a system of reward where by level of reward is judged by merit. Interesting, eh? How many times can you use that one today?
****************ASK*AUNTIE*LUCY****************
***New addition***
Dear auntie Lucy,
My landlady is mad, she keeps making stuff up about me and my boyfriend! What should i do? Signed A. Mullen
Dear A. Mullen,
Kill the bitch, she had it coming.
Dear Auntie Lucy,
why dont you write back to my emails?
Signed M.O'Neill
Dear M.O'Neill,
Cos i dont love you, duh. NEXT QUESTION!
Dear Auntie Lucy,
Why are we here?
Signed S. Brennan
Dear S. Brennan,
Rack off to where ever you came from, you dag.
See Annie i told you it wasnt funny. The above was annies idea, blame her cos its stupid.
**************BLAST*FROM*THE*PAST***************
How many of you Holy Crossers out there remember the time i penned this little gem. at the time i was going through my sensitive phase (Short lived but, oh my, so intense!).
Card Board Box
by Lucy Aughney, aged eleven
Card board box
in a field
waterlogged
with Gods tears;
He weeps for lack of love.
Plastic Bag
on a bush
Blown by Gods great sighs.
He mourns the passing of humanity.
Mindblowing, eh? I was a creative and thoughtful individual even at that tender age.
Right. Im hungry now cos have been at asshole-society meeting all evening so think ill nip home and cook something- dont get excited by cooking ideas, it'll probably be toast.
Man cannot live on words alone, remember.
I leave you these parting words:
If you see me walking down the street,
and i start to cry each time we meet;
Walk on by, Walk on by!
OK? Just leave me alone you weirdos!
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