29/01/2002

*************THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER*********

I have a small problem. Well its a large one actually- at least it is to me. In order to write this titilating and witty publication it has come to my attention that i must have something to say, be it inane or otherwise (otherwise you say??). This necessitates that i leap from my bed EVERY MORNING and go out into the world to meet people. Yes, thats right: people. This is a terrificly difficult task for me because the species PEOPLE are terribly rare in UCD. Large stinking assholes and whining gimps yes, people no. But i do try, because i hate to let my fans down.

This evening, for example, i went to a meeting of the ELS, which stand for the Extremly Loud Saps, oh no wait, its the English Literary Society. But they were extremly loud and sappish, so i belive i am succint (?) in my description. A meeting of the ELS involves a group of people ( on the whole arts students, im ashamed to say) sitting around writing creative pieces about random topics that the leader for the night chooses.
Typical creative topics include:
Deserts
Buttons
Paris
Lakes in Italy
The beauty of Horses
Chess
Marxism

As you can see, a pretty random bunch. As are its members; you actually have to be an acredited asshole to get in the door- i swear, i had to don a pair of boots and a handbag to gain admittance!

That was my experience with 'people' for today, i might try again tomorrow if i'm up to it.

**********A*FUNNY*THING*HAPPENED*ON*ME*WAY*TO*A*LECTURE*********** ***new addition!***
This section will be devoted to the Hilaaaaaaaaarious mishaps and evnets that i witness on my journeys around campus. Today i will recount for you a humorous event (apparently) which took place at my History tutorial yesterday. Please bear in mind that i dont fully understand what happened here myself so dont try to follow it with too much diligence as you may become lost. I know i did.

Well now. i was sitting there in my History tutorial having a laugh (LIE) when your one (tutor person) asks us this :
'What did France become in November 1793?'
Being the enthusiastic and excitable (slightly) student that i am i shrieked up : 'A democracy!' Much to my surprise and horror the remainder of the class instead muttered sulkily: 'republic', and all then proceeded to laugh and snigger unpleasantly. Assholes.

What went on here, you may well wonder. I too wonder. What differentiates a democracy from a republic i query and why is the confusion of the two terms such a laughable matter?
Questions answered, answers questioned.

********LETTERS*TO*THE*EDITOR***********
I'm sueing you for misquoting me.

-Grainne Walsh, friend?

I find your newsletter both educational and informative, thank you.

- Ann Marie Mullen, friend

Your newsletters give me the will to live that is all i can say.

- Donna Purcell, friend

Dearest Lucy, keep those wonderful words flowing from your river of knowledge.

- David Power, Trinity person (grrr)

I do love your little newsletter, it cheers me up no end when im down in shit hole Cork.

-Margaret O'Neill, Cork- dweller

If i had any quotes that would get me into your letters section, believe me I would not hesitate.

- Sarah Brennan, friend

*****************LUCY*FUCKS*UP****************
***Closing down sale!***

I hereby announce the closure of this column. It has become obsolete since i found my spiritual self and adopted a centre of knowledge.
My motto has completly erradicated all need for such a column.
MOTTO: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRUMSTANCES RUN UP OR DOWN STEPS.
THIS IS THE WORD OF GOD.

*************WORD*OF*THE*DAY*************

This column has been getting a bit of bad press recently (well, no actually it hasnt- no one gives a fuck about it) because of the controversy that surrounds it after a wee mistake in Sunday's issue. Im afraid that the word i advised to utilised in all converstaions for that day, was unbeknownst to me, a fake. it is in fact a ... dirty word! yes, it completly slipped my mind that the word 'bust' means a certain personal part of a womans body- i am sorry for distress caused to any delicate and polite readers of my letter. It will not happen again.

Word of the day- Meritocracy.
Meaning a system of reward where by level of reward is judged by merit. Interesting, eh? How many times can you use that one today?

****************ASK*AUNTIE*LUCY****************
***New addition***
Dear auntie Lucy,
My landlady is mad, she keeps making stuff up about me and my boyfriend! What should i do? Signed A. Mullen

Dear A. Mullen,
Kill the bitch, she had it coming.

Dear Auntie Lucy,
why dont you write back to my emails?
Signed M.O'Neill

Dear M.O'Neill,
Cos i dont love you, duh. NEXT QUESTION!

Dear Auntie Lucy,
Why are we here?
Signed S. Brennan

Dear S. Brennan,
Rack off to where ever you came from, you dag.

See Annie i told you it wasnt funny. The above was annies idea, blame her cos its stupid.

**************BLAST*FROM*THE*PAST***************

How many of you Holy Crossers out there remember the time i penned this little gem. at the time i was going through my sensitive phase (Short lived but, oh my, so intense!).

Card Board Box
by Lucy Aughney, aged eleven

Card board box
in a field
waterlogged
with Gods tears;

He weeps for lack of love.

Plastic Bag
on a bush
Blown by Gods great sighs.

He mourns the passing of humanity.

Mindblowing, eh? I was a creative and thoughtful individual even at that tender age.

Right. Im hungry now cos have been at asshole-society meeting all evening so think ill nip home and cook something- dont get excited by cooking ideas, it'll probably be toast.
Man cannot live on words alone, remember.

I leave you these parting words:
If you see me walking down the street,
and i start to cry each time we meet;
Walk on by, Walk on by!

OK? Just leave me alone you weirdos!

27/01/2002

****************THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER**************

Some people, i think do not know what they got till its gone. Some people, for instance, never EVER thank me for increasingly frequent electronic correspondence they recieve from me, even when i spend many hours typing said correspondence when i should be studying. Some people, who ring from Wales in the wee hours of the morning and with whom i converse for many moments on a windy chip- shop corner, neglect to mention how my witty and urbane emails have made a certain Welsh- educated Irish girl feel loved and special, when she is wintering out in some far flung recess of grotty Wales.

As i said, some people dont know what they got till its gone and i intend to remove any ungrateful and uncomplimentary subscribers from my address book unless i am duely praised and thanked. I have said my peace, i will say no more.

Today, my friends, is Sunday, the Lords day. Besides being a non attender of mass, i am an intensely spiritual person. I am often to be found staring out a window at God's wonderous nature and have been known to remark on moral and theological issues to my friends and families. Admittedly, these usually take the form of
"Sally [my sister], you look like a tramp, you cant wear a miniskirt to the shops!"
or perhaps
"Jesus Christ, who put that there?!"
but the point is that such thoughts are always with me.

Sunday is a day that i insist be kept sacred, and i always refrain from studying on a Sunday, instead to choosing to reflect on my thoughts and ponder my existence. The odd Sunday i spend enjoying a few quiet bevvies with some chums, but on the whole i withdraw from the grind of daily life. Or, la vie quotidienne as the French say.

Where am i going with this you might say? I too ask that same question. In all honesty, i have very little to say this evening and i just thought id start writing and see what came out. Very little of meaning, as it happens.

**********LETTERS*TO*THE*EDITOR**************
Thanks for mentioning me.

-Lynne Kirby, friend

Hee hee, you little minx you!

-Deirdre Treacy, friend

Lucy are you doing a BA in dossing and Burger Kings?
-Lorraine Cooney, friend
Well done for correctly representing the life of an arts student! Cant wait to see what f**k ups you do on Rag Week!

-Liz Kelleher, friend

No comment.

-Celia O'Meara, non-apreciative person

******************LUCY*FUCKS*UP**************

Ah, it has been a quiet week for this stalwart favourite! I did fall down a few steps when i was coming down the stairs from upstairs in a bus, but as my head banged into the wall i managed to fall backwards a little so no one saw me, and thus saving myself from certain mortification.

The worst thing i think was when i was getting on bus last Tuesday and in fumbling in my pocket for change, a storm of coins burst forth. (Ah, those damn Eurpoeans and their money!) What was horrifying however was that the oldest man in the entire world was standing beside me and rushed to pick them up for me, and then HELPED ME ON TO THE BUS!

**********WORD*OF*THE*DAY**************

***New addition!***

Today i have chosen the word 'bust'. I like it because it is more slimline than the overused 'burst' and a terrificly dramatic and shocking to use in a sentence. Also i think its a really cute and funny word, as i am myself.

eg: My head bust open.

The telly is busted.

Bust off with yourself, buster!

Nice, eh?

*********RETRACTION**********

In the last issue of that luminious and brilliant (two words that mean pretty much the same thing; needless verbiage, its a great way to fill a page!) publication THE LUCY AUGHNEY NEWSLETTER, the editor wishes to apologise most profusely for an inaccuracy stated. In the survey of Dublin Burger King's it was written that the Burger King situated on lower Rathmines road was 'very nice' and equipped with 'clean toilets'. On closer inspection, this Burger King was proven to be a Mcdonalds, and as the editor does not hold with such establishments, she wishes to alter her review to say:

'Complete and utter s**t hole, and filthy scumhole toilets. Really, I think it very suspicious that the place masqueraded as a Burger King just to be mentioned in my newsletter. Most irresponsible of them.'

Thank you and good night.

23/01/2002

************THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER****************

Hey kids, 'tis i your odd friend! Who is she, nobody knows! How did she get my email address, nobody knows! How is she today, nobody cares!

But, as a matter of fact, i am unnaturally fine today! Its almost six pm and though ive been up interacting with my fellow humans since eleven this morning, i have not once fallen, tripped, dropped anything or snorted unbecomingly with laughter! what is you going on here, you may wonder! I too wonder my friend. i can only construe that the gods are setting me up for a major fuck up for the tonight or tomorrow, therefore balancing my seemingly sudden powers of capability and competence!

But do not fear! Tomorrow i am going to work and i ALWAYS do something stupid there! They have this little uneven flight of steps that is just crying out to be tripped on.

A new addition to my newsletter is my letters page. As i obviously dont recieve any letters (that would imply someone caring about my welfare), i am including here the comments i recieved from my 'friends' upon announcing the launch of this publication. I have of course fabricated many of the comments.

**************LETTERS TO THE EDITOR***************
A newsletter about you? god you are so up yourself.

Aoife Horan, friend

Lucy, you are sad.

Grainne Walsh, friend

Cool!

Janine Whyte, flatmate

Savage! You are so mad!

Joanne Mitten, flatmate

Lucy, for Gods sake im the one paying for this f**king college course, do some f**king work!

Kate Murphy, mother

Lucy, you are so wise and clever, it is about time you shared some of your classic insights with the world.

Britney Spears, friend

Wow great idea man, you are so clever and shit.

Bertie Aherne, close friend

Thats 67c please.

Woman in shop, philistine

There you have it! the people have spoken! i dont think that bunch of gems can be contradicted now can they? Anyway, thats all from me, hopefully ill do something really really stupid on the way home and then i can reinstate the LUCY FUCKS UP column. I hope you enjoyed my ramblings- well not really. If you start enjoying them do tell me so i can charge you for them. over and out.

21/01/2002

***********THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER*************

Congratulations!
You are a proud subscriber to my brand new newsletter! whats terrific about it is that it is free! (for now) If you wish to unsubscribe, rack off! I do what i like! If you wish to sign up your friends, cop on! You dont have any friends!

Seeing as this is the first issue of my exciting new publication, i am planning on holding a launching party in my flat in merville in twenty minutes, with a wine and cheese reception. Cant make it? too bad, looks like its just me and the wine then! (the cheese cant make it either)

The content of this issue will be pretty slim as i spent the whole afternoon coming up with this idea so i cant be bothered to think of anything to write about. In fact besides this introduction, the only content will be the newly established LUCY FUCKS UP column, where i depict a humiliating yet hilarious event that occurred today.

******LUCY FUCKS UP******

Well now,
I was on my way in to the Computer block but i was coming at it from the side cos i really like to walk on the grass. theres three wide low steps in front of it, and being the comely and sprightly maiden that i am, i did a little skip and a leap to jump up two of them at once. I think we can all see whats coming.

Instead of landing safely on the top step as i intended to, i kind of fell backwards and in attempting to counter this problem i gave a twist forward, landing on my knees on the pavement. tiny little golden euros had spewed from my jacket pocket while i was airborne, and these now descended upon me in a glittering shower. two girls rushed to picked them up for me and proudly presented me with a handful of 5c and 10c pieces when i dragged my self from the ground.

'thanks' i muttered to which i recieved a shower of mocking giggles as my answer. Ashamed but not beaten i scurried inside where i came up with the terrific idea of telling someone, in fact i decided, why not everyone??

So here it is, my ramblings.
watch this space...

08/01/2002

************THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER************

Well,here i am again, mainly because yes, i have no life. That is actually untrue. I have a life i just choose not to participate. I have been getting much feedback from you, my subscribers(what? i hear you mutter; i never subscribed she just started sending me this crap), and im glad to say the majority of it is positive. (well- slightly positive)

****************LETTERS*TO*THE*EDITOR****************
God Lucy, you can tell youre a f**king arts student anyway, youve too much free time on your hands!

Clare King, friend

Lucy, please, if you keep falling up stairs, TAKE THE LIFT!

Rachel Heutson, friend

Why the f**k do you never mention me in the newsletters?

Lynne Kirby, angry person

Ms Clare King also advised me to start a gossip column. However,i believe gossip to be the product of a malicious and petty mind, so i decline to accept this advice. I thought instead a news column would be fitting to raise the intellectual standard of the newsletter. After lenghty consideration i decided that the intellectual standard was a bit too high already for some of you dumbos out there, so instead i am starting a review column. Now. To the reviews, which are both intellectual and informative.

******Reviews*******

THis week i am reviewing burger king eating establishments in the urban Dublin area.

BURGER KING- Lower Rathmines road
An old favourite of mine, chock full of staff too foreign to yell 'hey you! toilets for customers only!' Havent eaten there very often, but the bathroom facilities are most excellent and clean- my only qualm would be that one of the cubicle doors are broken. In the ladies bathroom, obviously. I know nothing about the gents. They might not even have doors.

BURGER KING- Grafton St, North
The tops when it comes to Burger Kings! Only ate there once (food: cold, toilets:smelly), but on that occasion the lovely girl on the cash register SOLD me an EXTRA Lord of the rings toy! Needless to say, i was most touched. I have since stuck said toys to top of telly and they look most pleasant. For those of you that care, they are Arwen and Gandalf. I stuck a small plastic Marvin the Martian up as well, but since he did not appear in the lord of the rings film, i find it unnecessary to mention him here. Oh. just have.

BURGER KING- Grafton St, South
This place i did not like. After purchasing my two LOTR toys from the above establishment, i decided to buy some more. Realising my interest was bordering on an obsession, i went to a different BK further up the street, where they refused to sell them to me. They will not get the opportunity to take my money again. Well, seeing as i dont really like the food in Burger King it was rather silly to attempt to review them as i never eat there! Stupid me!

Well, enjoyable as that was for as all, this is where i get off. A word in parting, however- i got my photos from last Saturday night developped and be warned any of you that wandered by a drunken and wobbly me on that night- i probably have a badly angled, over -exposed shot to bear witness!

Also, to Lynne, my dearest, my reason for living- I would mention you more often but that would defeat the conceited, self- serving purpose of calling it the 'Lucy Aughney' newsletter- duh!