From this Friday on Aoife is going on study leave from work for nine weeks. As her exams are extremely important and since spreading all one's notes on the sitting room floor and staring at them is apparently not the optimum knowledge-imbibing method, she has decided to spend these nine weeks at home in her parents' house. Bitch. If you are any good at absorbing information, you will easily recognise that I will be left in the house with the two boys. Alone. The idea shakes me to my very core.
I'm terribly worried. How will I cope without constant female companionship? Who will engage in ladylike chitchat and banter with me? At least I will have Burt's FHM girls to keep me company. They bring some much needed ladylike delicacy into the place. I dread the day when I am reduced to sitting on the landing outside his room, gazing adoringly up at the 5ft poster of Abi Titmuss wearing thigh-high boots and a smile he has sellotaped to his door.
'Abi,' I will say, 'What do you think of Kylie's new hairdo? Aren't periods awful, Abi? And bras- oh, I see you're not wearing one. Well done you! Abi, would you like to moisturise elbows with me later? No?'
As an aside, if you are a girl, would you like to hang around with me for the next nine weeks? I am very pleasant to be around and can do many funny impressions of characters from Eastenders. Alright, then, just Pauline Fowler. But I'll attempt Phil Mitchell if you'll take me shopping/have pillowfights with me.