Well, the new year is upon us and I am heading back to school with a tranquil mind after three weeks peaceful sojurn in lovely Tramore. During the Christmas holidays I spent many afternoon reading, staring out to sea and pondering the direction of my life. Not for me, the pointless cylcle of drinking and dancing that my lesser human beings preferred. I instead stayed in and nurtured my reclusive tendencies. Even my family claim I've become distant. Thankfully, they added. I have also discovered my feminine side. It is my left one.
As you can see, my sense of humour has become very advanced over the holidays. I do not expect any of YOU to understand it, dear readers, and much of what I say may go over your heads. Try to keep up.
If youve lost your faith in love and music, oh the end wont be long!
'Vertigo', The Libertines
I am very disappointed to note that technology has become an evil and alienating force. Technological apliances have become malevolent and obstinate, cruelly requiring an impossible knowledge of their workings before functioning. Pour example: I recently purchased a snazzy looking cd discman. I was very proud of said discman on bus on the way home except I kept calling it a walkman and my sister had to point out that it a walkman was for tapes, and anyway tapes dont exist anymore do they? They do, i replied indignantly. (Do they?)
Imagine my horror and dismay when upon arriving at home and inserting batteries into it, it refused to work! Disappointed but not broken i resolved to return to Argos and demand exchange at earliest possible moment. Earliest possible moment turned out to be, unfortunately, the first day of the sales and was forced to queue for an hour and a half waiting for cd player. Also my companions were forced to wait with me. These companions included roommate Clare who was a little peeved to be spending only afternoon in Waterford queueing in Argos; also young gentleman Joshua Kirby who was surprisingly content to sit in Argos for so long. His mother however was not. I am sorry to say that the usually dignified Lynne Kirby and her friend Ruth Finnerty were extremly rude and impatient. I am shocked at Lynne in particular- she is usually so quiet and poite.
I am embarrassed to recount the events after this. In short I was sitting at home, disgusted that the replacment cd player wasnt working either and complaining to all that would listen that technology was an awful con, when my sister's friend leaned over and pointed out that I had to turn it on for it to work. Ah, said I. Why dont they tell you that?
You aint no friend of mine, you aint no kin of mine- what makes you think I wont run up on you with a knife?
'Wanksta', 50 cent
While many of you might have been out pouring money into the bulging tills of unscrupulous publicans this New Years, i chose to remain at home and get drunk alone. At ten past twelve I looked at my watch and realised- oh!- had missed midnight. Was i heartbroken? Of course not. Instead I watched Britney: Live in Vegas and sniggered to myslef when I spotted a pimple on her neck. My sister came in then and we agreed that it was bleeding. Ew. That Britney one is disgusting.
Soft or gentle breeze as seen in The Zephyr Song by Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
'Fly away on my zephyr, I need you more than ever, and in the perfect weather we'll find a place together'
Actual conversation recorded in cinema on Thursday night last at viewing of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers:
Marie: Why are they mad at this Gondor guy? Isnt he the one who got the king out of the spell? Lucy: Ahh... Gondor is a place. Its a big kingdom like.
Marie: Well, who's the guy with the white beard then?
Lucy: He was in the first film, dya remember? The wizard?
Marie: Well, what does the other wizard want off the small lads?
Lucy: Eh, Saruman dya mean? He thinks they have the ring.
Marie: And thats it?
Lucy: Eh... yes. The ring.
Marie: All for a ring? Why's he killing everyone for a RING?
Lucy: Well, its a magic ring you know. Do you even know what this film is called?
The appearance of cleverness is not assigned solely to those lucky glasses wearing folk; you non- blind people can also attain an air of enviable intelligence just by employing a few simple methods. Though having a pair of glasses is always a boost to ones appearance of intelligence (As I tell Marie every morning as she puts her contacts in), it is very possible to look clever without them.
Squinting- The appearance of shortsightedness is always desirable, the perfect squint is an essential part of any clever persons disguise. To achieve this, narrow your eyes and lean forward slightly, peering closely at the object/text in question. If you are feeling a little bit under the weather, do not attempt the squint as you may squint a little too much and close your eyes fully, inducing a sleep, which is not a sign of cleverness.
Furrowing of Brow- This is pretty much an extention of the squint but if you persist at furrowing your brow for a few hours each day you will end up with deep permanent furrows in your forehead by age thirty, and lend you an air of painfully won intelleigence. Your mother was right about the wind changing.
Pursing of Lips- This action can be exchanged for the biting of the lower lip to achieve a pleasing expression of tense and nervous intelligence. The biting of the upper lip should be avoided as one's forehead adopts a worryingly simianlike appearance which is not a particularly attractive expression. Unless you want to look like a monkey.
Talking to oneself- this action is borderline and should not be attempted unless you are very sure of your clever reputation. Appearing intelligent should not be confused with looking odd, though it may seem that clever people are indeed odd. If you must talk to yourself, insure that topics of conversation is kept to literary or academic subjects- discussing the weather or the mating habits of ducks may be considered unusual. Insure that you monoploize the conversation, because if you start talking back to yourself or disagreeing loudly with yourself in public, you will have crossed the line most terribly.