19/12/2002

***THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER***

Am I not getting something here? I was up in Dublin ALL weekend, (am still here, as it happens) and I recieved not one text message/ phone call from anxious friends requesting my whereabouts. Do you not want me out every Saturday? Am I... unloved? (unthinkable, I know) All stinking term I send you ungrateful wretches the most heavenly entertaining correspondence via email and come the weekend, a weekend VERY close to Christmas may I add, no one requires my spectacular presence on a night out!

As I was friendless and alone this weekend, I resorted to my own entertainment. I took up smoking. I gave up smoking. I cleaned the kitchen. I washed the bath. I watered the plants. I spat into the gardens of the groundfloor flats, trying to get a reaction from the tenants. No luck. As a last resort I took to drink. I raided someones cans of Dutch Gold which had been left, somewhat foolishly, unattended in our fridge and wrote four pages of my English essay slightly drunk. It is quite remarkable how well I write with a few drinks in me. In fact, I am drunk now- hic!

Perusing my work the next day I was somewhat alarmed to see the amount of exclamation points used in my intoxicated state.

Sample line:
It is amazing how female litreature continues to flourish under the weight of male hypocrasy! It is undoubtedly time for a new female revolution, since the sixties are long over my friend!

I did of course amend that little gem before handing in the essay since it was actually about books and not whatever-the-fuck-comes-out-of-Lucy's-head-including-song-lyrics. I expect a first.

*letters*to*the*editor*

Give Marie a break will ya, youre always at her.

Lynne Kirby, westlife fan (hee hee)

Lucy! I cant belive you didnt mention how you met Don Conroy! And you who is so fond of his work!

Marie Connolly, some strange person I dont know but lives in my house for some unknown reason

How are you proud for having met Dana? I would have ran away and though happy thoughts- all things bright and beautiful perhaps! tee hee!

Donna Purcell, Limerick student (pah!)

You write well for a UCD student- in fact I'm surprised you can write at all!

Grainne Walsh, Trinity asshole

What does 'encantado de conocerle' mean?

Amy Burns, dumb person

*marie*fucks*up*
*big*style!*

Though I have been telling marie for many months now- 'Marie, if youre not good Santy wont come!'- she has been behaving badly constantly and blatantly disobeying me. The highpoint of this was, I suspect as I was not there to see it, Saturday night when, without my supervision, Marie went on a mad drunken rampage. Not only was she skulling back drink at a disgustingly gluttonous rate, she was also kissing boys (!) and being violently ill in peoples houses (!!). Has this girl no moral guidence, I hear you ask? I prefer to think of her as the devil incarnate, as it gets her poor parents off the hook.

*word*of*the*day*

'in the main'

I used this A LOT in my essay today and what I would very much like to know is- does it mean anything? I fear it is a load of crap. I was using it to mean generally. Can anyone correct me?

For the interest of my non- Spanish speaking readers, 'Encantado de conocerle' means delighted to meet you, and I intend to use it in my Spanish oral exam in April. How prepared am I?

*Employment*opportunities*

Because of the influx of replies to my request for job applicants, I have been a busy bunny all week and have been unable to devote sufficent attention to the content of this newsletter. Or my essay in fact. The essay is now gone in however (2910 words, thank you very much) but as I am presently at home in, As applicant Ms A.Mullen calls 'the posh place by the sea', Tramore my brain has become the stagnant shallow pool of lethargy and boredom that is typical of all Tramore dwellers. I apologise profusely for the absence of my usual sparkling wit from this newsletter, I plan to get very drunk VERY soon and fall over a lot.

NOTE TO AFFECTIONATE AND GENEROUS FRIENDS OF THE NEWSLETTER:
A list of Christmas gifts which would be pleasing to the editor is available upon application. Please do not go off and buy me stuff without asking me cos you will surely get it wrong. I am really deep and you may find it difficult to buy for me. Hence the list. How good I am to you all!

27/12/2002

***THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER***

How nice it is to go home to one's fans! I cannot count how many times I was told how beloved my newsletter was to desperate students all around Ireland! Mr David Power also said that he has shown it to an American friend of his and SHE liked it. This news upsets me greatly. It is a well known fact that Americans have no sense of humour, and also I have just decided, no taste. So I take this as an insult.

Did anyone grab me and urge a glass into my hand? No. Not even a wrinkled five euro note was thrust upon me as a sign of yuletide good will! Oh, words are all very good but they dont wet a parched throat like a glass of something wet can! You stingy bastards, its my birthday in three months i dont want to see a repeat performance of this ungenerous Christmas!

*lucy*receives*glowing*tribute*from*promising*young*poet*

Ms Eavan McGovern accosted me in my local public house last night and burbled for quite some time about something she had emailed to me. This is what i found in my inbox this morning. Ms McGovern has claimed that she finds alcohol greatly conducive to her writing. I believe this is evidenced in her writing below.

'Hello there, Lucy, to you I write,
This icy cold December night,
Your witty and sharp writing I must commend
My literary minded, book loving friend,
For ofts the time I get funny looks,
When in the library hemmed in by books,
Cos raucous giggling can be heard from me,
As i read your work alongside anatomy,
Your script is bursting with spontaneity
loved not just by me but by my med. family,
Shakespeare and Heaney, it's time to make way
Cos making her mark is this Tramore lady!'

Can I just point out that I had nothing to do with that at all, she thought it up herself. I must admire the poets confident use of rhyme and also her spelling- i cannot spell 'raucous'. Or 'spontaneity'. Though hero worship is, for me as it is for all the great role models to the young, rather burdensome i must admit that such lovely ringing praise is always welcome though Ms McGovern should know that a monetary donation to my "campaign fund" is also greatly appreciated.

*Lucy*fucks*up*

Fell over on muddy bank and got very dirty, and was observed by jeering and rude young men in passing automobile. Pride sincerely abashed. Happy?!

*Marie*fucks*up*

Marie, being slightly intoxicated last night and unfortunatly without my guidance, wandered down to taxi office in the wee hours of the morning and proceeded to proclaim in loud and not uncertain tones that a certain person of the female persuasion, who shall remain nameless, was 'fucking easy' went on to destroy any claims to virtue this young lady might have had. Unfortunatly the young lady in question was sitting on a wall not very far away.

I must add, to compound the readers horror, that Marie knew the young lady was in very close proximity to her and continued to slander her heedless to all attempts to silence her. I must repeat my earlier assertion that Marie is a wicked person and should be burnt at the stake. Any volunteers for getting together an angry mob and attacking her with pitchforks, please contact me.

*word*of*the*day*

'homothallic'
Algae or fungus that have both male and female reproductive organs, and are thus self- fertilizing.
That is fucking disgusting.

*horrible*things*that*people*say*to*me*

Mags O'Neill, who up until last night I considered my friend, has recently told me that, 'I bet Marie would be easier to live with than you'. Horror struck, I could not answer.

'The socks' I whispered, 'theyre everywhere!'
She would not believe me. 'She leaves her books in piles on the floor' i pointed out angrily. 'And shes always telling me the same stories over and over again'

Who can honestly say that they think I would be worse to live with than Marie? I mean, seriously!

12/12/2002

****THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER****

*Marie*in*grumpy*bitch*shocker!*
*Cheese*consumption*claimed*as*cause*

On Monday morning last, when UCD student Lucy Aughney attempted to rise her roommate from bed as she had been asked to do the previous evening, she was greeted with a series of foul mouthed slurs and curses. Ms Aughney, having being told my her roommate Ms Marie Connolly to 'wake me before you go to work tomorrow will ya, I have to fucking study', bent over her friends sleeping head and told her in a low voice that it was time to get up. Ms Connolly responded negatively.

Lucy tried again. Ms Connolly told her to get lost. Lucy pointed out that she had told her to wake her the previous evening. Ms Connolly snorted in derision. Upon a further attempt to rise her, Lucy was surprised and upset when her roommate sat up in her bed and declared herself 'fucking wrecked' and requested that Lucy went and 'fucked herself' because 'fuck off youre not my fucking mother!'

Lucy stumbled from the room, her mind reeling. She says what hit her the most was not the brutal verbal abuse she herself recieved but the disrespectful way Ms Connolly referred to her mother, the lovely Mrs Kathleen Connolly. Fellow house- mate Claire Crean expressed concern at Ms Connollys lazy and disrespectful behaviour: 'I was frankly shocked at Marie's attitude, I mean shes in college now, does she think its all just a big doss or something?' Ms Crean added that this is nothing new for Marie, she has 'always been a bitch'.

Upon further questioning later in the day, Marie did not apologize for her unruly behaviour but put it down to 'having a toasted cheese sandwich before bed'. Explaining further she said 'everyone knows cheese gives you nightmares. So I was probably really grumpy from all the bad dreams I had'.

Ms Aughney has declared herself not entirely satisfied with this explanation but in the name of safety has removed all dairy products from the house.

*letters*to*the*editor*

Never heard of the language, 'Eglish' Lucy.

Amy Burns, Ugly Wuglie

Mention me in your next one will ya?!

Janine Whyte, attention seeking person.

You'd better not have got yourself a D4 accent when you come home!

Mairead Flanagan, Waterford dweller

**lack*of*respect*in*todays*society**

They fuck you up, your mum and dad- they may not mean to but they do.

Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse

Though he is a dead British man, Philip Larkin has a lot in common with Marie Connolly. No, not the toyings with homosexuality. Or even the schoolgirl porn he loved. Look beyond the superficial similarities and you will see that he, as evidenced by this quote from a poem, had no respect for his mammy either. In fact, I must point out that bothe used the words 'fuck' and 'mum' in the same sentence! What does this tell you, eh? lots!

*Word*of*the*day*

'Pusillanimous'
Meaning: Showing lack of courage and determination.
Eg; The sleeping student was extremly pusillanimous in her inabilty to rise from her bed.


***my*brush*with*fame***

Since I have been abiding in the lovely city of Dublin, I have discovered that it is called 'the lovely city of Dublin' for a reason. This reason is that all the lovliest and most attractive people live here making it glow with lovliness. A great source of this lovliness is the copious amounts of celebrities that abide here alongside me. And I have been surprised how many of them seem to flock to me. Like to like as the famous physicist said (probably).

One has to know where to go of course to meet these lovely people. They are all living in Dublin for a reason and that reason is that every other county is shit for celebrity hangouts. The most glamorous person you'd get anywhere else would be Peig Sayers looking at the boats in Galway bay or something (yes I know shes dead).

I have compiled a short list of some of the lovely famous people I have sighted in Dublin and the place of sighting for your interest. Well, partly for your interest, mainly for my own satisfaction.

Dana- AIB bank
Ursula Hannigan- Kildare St
Mick Lally- Marks and Spencers
Tommy Tiernan- Dame St
Maria Doyle Kennedy- Alan Hanna's, Rathmines
Posh, English- sounding chap off Fair City- Alan Hanna's Rathmines

Yes, I know, I am great. I am practicely famous myself I have so many famous mates!

*the*assholes*i*work*with*

Just the one really. If anyone knows a girl called Deirdre who's from Donegal, stop reading now. Anyway, her names Deirdre, she's from Donegal and she plans to open her own bookshop some day, but she also wants to sell (and I quote), 'crafts I make myself'. Odd odd odd. She especialy enjoys crochet and making handbags and purses and beaded necklaces for her friends. She makes clay beads in her oven at home for the necklaces. Dum de dum dum...

Since I've started back in the bookshop, she (who may I point out has only been working there a monmth and only just started learning how to service) is giving me instructions. I have tried my notorious death- inducing gaze on her when shes looking the other way, but she is strangely resistant. Here is a direct quote from her, hereafter known as squirrely- fucking- dickface. The squirrely part is cos she looks like a sleepy squirrel.

'Hi Lucy, would you mind not winding the prittstick down the whole way to the bottom of the tube when youre finished using it cos it leaves a little hole in the middle and its really annoying, you know?'

Why?! Why is it annoying? Its a hole! It keeps the prittstick from drying out overnight! Dont get me started on how she moves my sellotape over beside her and hogs the stamp pad and always, ALWAYS takes the good scissors, or I may cry.

Today however she committed the most awful of crimes. She insulted Mundy! If any of ye were listening to Pat Kenny this morning, Mundy was on talking about some program hes doing on RTE and then he played 'July', which, as many of you may know, is a particular favourite of mine. I was there singin along, having a bit of a dance as well if truth be told and she goes; Who's this singing?

It's Mundy, says I.

Oh, says she, he has a real cult follwing with students all right doesnt he?

With STUDENTS!!!?!
I just glared at her. And she kept working away himming a little Monkees tune. Skank. First of all, i disdain the idea that the fabulous Mundy could be succesful for only frivilious and cultish reasons. Secondly, and more pertinent I belive, I HATE students and I will not be classed as one! I hate them, they drink too much and are always getting in surveys and making the rest of us 18- 24 yr olds look bad. So, naturally I hate the bitch and am working on ways to get her fired. Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

*apology*from*the*editor*

My most sincere apologies for not keeping to my usually notoriously high writing standards and quality of content (!)of my newsletters. I can only blame this on my staff, they are extremly lazy and never do anything I ask them. You'd swear I was the only one working here they way they sit around! Some days they dont even show up at the office! I am firing them all as of this second and advertising for new employees. Please email me your CV and a non- ugly photo if you wish to apply. No Trinity ass holes need apply. You WILL be ridiculed.