If ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it

What do I want for Christmas? Little ol' me? Why, nothing! World peace and harmony maybe, or universal suffrage. And a surprise. Naw, seriously. I'm easy to buy for, I like everything. Ya wanna know what all the kids are getting this year? Engagement rings. Srsly. And alarmingly longsighted wedding plans. 2010? Ya know what happens in 2010? I'll be 27 first of all, so that'll be a huge downer. Also, trillions of my acquaintances are getting hitched. 2010 my friends? I actually have trouble getting excited about anything that is not happening RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT so I feel literally nothing regarding your wedding. As my ever-graceful mother said: 'Crikey. 2010? Why, to fuck? I swear to God, I've never had a wedding, nor has your father, and it's looking like neither of ye girls will ever either, but I promise you, if you do, and the way I find out about your engagement IS NOT you ringing me and announcing that your wedding has just taken place in a foreign city somewhere, I SWEAR TO GOD: I'll murder you.'

A startling new hurdle

INTERIOR. Late afternoon. A COMELY MAIDEN dozes on a sofa under a duvet. It is LUCY, heroine of our piece.

PHONE RINGS: Rrrrring! Blip-whirr-click!

LUCY: Bleurg. Hello?
MARIE: Hellllloooo!
LUCY: Ugh.
MARIE: Are you asleep?
LUCY: I was trying to...

M: Well, it's five o'clock, you really shouldn't be.
L: Sigh. I'm terribly tired. I was dreaming...of facebook.
M: Good grief.
L: Yeah. Don't tell anyone.
M: Good night?
L: Very much so. Possibly still drunk.
M: Where is Mags? She's not answering any of her phones.
L: She's probably asleep too, if she knows whats good for her. Also her house has ridiculously bad coverage.
M: Ah-ha.
L: Why did you ring me looking for Mags? I'm not her minder.
M: You were my next choice.
L: I'm flattered.

[LUCY coughs loudly and at length]

M: That's attractive.
L: Thank you. I was saving it for ya. Where are you, standing in the rain? I can hear water noises.
M: The bath.
L: Ah, dude! The bath! Stop fecking ringing me from the bathroom, it's starting to make me uncomfortable.
M: I am very comfortable.
L: I don't doubt it.
M: So...tell me stuff.
L: I couldn't be bothered.

M: I'll tell you stuff so. We did the guest list.
L: For...?
M: My wedding? Like, hello?
L: Seriously? It's in two years dude, you surely won't like the same people in two years as you like now.
M: Yes I will! Anyway, mine comes to 150, and Aled's got 60.
L: Am I invited?
M: Like, duh.
L: On which list? Can I be on both?
M: ...
L: And get two dinners and two chairs? That would be deadly.
M: You'll get no dinner and no chair if you're not careful.
L: Well! That's a lot of people! You don't have 150 friends!
M: Yes I do, and anyway, that's people's 'plus one's aswell.

L: Fuuuuck. Do I get a plus one?
M: Of course!
L: Fuck you. Where am I going to find a plus one? The Internet?
M: Londis Corner?
L: Shit shit shit. Will Sally do? Shit shit shit.
M: Ah now. Dial it down, it's in two years.
L: You're saying there's a possibility I might meet and speak to a member of the opposite sex in the next two years?
M: Of course!
L: You're hopeful.