Monday, February 25, 2008

You wanna buy some stuff?

Do you often find yourself in need of somewhere to put your daffodils? Or somewhere to play Monopoly? Or carry out your elaborate art projects? Fret no more, ease your trouble, that's what I do! Here is a genuine wooden table with genuine wooden chairs thrown in! As you can see, this table has all four legs intact and is literally made from wooden trees! The trees have, of course, been cut down and de-squirrelled for your convenience, because no one wants to eat their breakfast with squirrels.

And that's not all! This table also comes with two excellent drawers that slide in and out of the drawer-shaped holes on either side! Fitted with no expense spared, these drawers come with handily-shaped knobs, all the better to facilitate your drawer-opening needs! You can put literally anything in these drawers, from napkins and candles to more candles and bits of broken crockery you don't want anyone to see you broke!

But wait! There's more! What about when you have people over for some tasty pasta meal you just invented with the help of your head-chef, Mr. Dolmio? How do you make them feel at home AND ensure they stick around long enough to help you clean up? Why, with chairs of course*! This table comes with six genuine wooden chairs absolutely free!
Is that all I hear you say? Are you trying to flog us some meaningless albeit fabulous wooden table with exquisite accompanying seat parts? Is that it? I am a deep and profound person, I need something more than mere surface beauty to feed my deep and profound soul.
Fear not, precious customer. I can now reveal that this admirable piece of furniture comes from the estate of none other than the Great Lucy Aughney. It dates from that historically significant year, 2004 and has featured such luminaries as Lucy herself at trough over it's rich pine. Gaze in wonder at the wise old gleam that was witness to countless wise aphorisms and sparkling witticisms over the years.
Would you deny for your family the opportunity to own a genuine antique? Would you? Bid immediately on this priceless relic of greatness and you too can share in the glory!

L'histoire de la table

This one time, we had a party with the table.

Another time, Sinead and the table drank all the vodka.

Then this other time, Lucy was cross with the table. Both parties have tried to forget the incident but local folklore claims it was something to do with how the table got Lucy so drunk and fat-looking.

They got over it, and to this day Lucy enjoys hanging out with the table and having a beer.

*Research has proven that it is significantly harder to escape from somewhere if you are sitting in a chair than if you are standing up.


Mairéad said...

Can I ask WHY your getting rid of the table?? Like I hope Kate now's your offering the table for free, but if your serious post it on and I'm sure it'll be gone in a shot!!

wetgrujty said...

Wise Up !
Read It !
Make It Public !
Let Everyone Else Know The Truth !
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