15/12/2004

***THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER***

The greatest gift theyll get this year is Lurrrve

Feed the World, Band Aid

Unlike starving people in Africa, you lucky readers are receiving the greatest gift of all this Christmas- Yes! That's right! A special seasonal edition of my newsletter! You lucky devils!

**Christmas Gift Ideas**

Many people have asked me; 'Lucy what can i get my nearest and dearest this Christmas?!' And i would like to tell you all now that a subscription to this very publication would be an extremely wise choice. For just €29.99 your favoured one can receive this very newsletter whenever it is published! Unfortunately, the likeliness of the esteemed editor finding the time to actually write anything is slim as she is currently concluding her course of study at that esteemed institution, University College Dublin, and will soon be on the lookout for a job, a husband, and a little house to settle down in. But hey, its being part of the gang that matters, right?

The editor would like to point out that she would be very receptive to anyone offering her a job, a house or a husband as Christmas gifts. Nicely wrapped, naturally.

**Return of the King**

Ah, tis that time of year again, the time when we can all celebrate the magic of Christmas by viewing the latest installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's masterpiece, The Lord of the Rings. This year, if you have been in a coma since August, the thrilling conclusion to the triply- thrilling trilogy is being released, The Return of the King. The date for this theatrical debut is Dec 17, which the attentive amongst you may recall is the same day as St Patricks Day. Except its in December. And if you cant celebrate Christmas by watching a film glorifying violence and powerful black magic, featuring the schizophrenic Gollum/ Smeagol, the cross- dressing princess Eowyn and the wedding of King Aragorn and his 800- odd year old bride, Arwen(oops! Plot spoilers!); well, then what kind of person ARE you???!!

**Retraction**

I cant think about anything else festive to write about anymore, im not a very christmassy person. Im just going to do what I do best; bitch about stuff. Is that ok?

**Lucy Fucks Up**

There is an old phrase that says 'pride comes before a fall' but I have found through detailed and painstaking (read: painful) research that in fact, large unseen objects and slippy or uneven road surfaces are a lot more likely to cause a topple. In a whopping 99% of cases fallees suffered a fall due to causes other than the awkward appearance of pride. ( The 1% refers to an unfortunate incident involving a group of lions.) In my case however, statistics go out the window. Because the single greatest cause of my downfall this year has been... stairs. Try as I might, I just cant seem to maneuver these tricky bastards.

16.37 on December 15th 2003 is a case in point. Frolicking joyfully through the college on the completion of my English essay I decided to pay a visit to the library to return the six fearsome books that have been haunting my desk and nightmares for the last month. Having dropped off my books at the returns desk, I fancied a meander through the fiction shelves to pleasure my terribly intellectual and fiercely misunderstood side. With the delight reminiscent of Mr. Mandela being released from prison, I sprung happily up the escalator, which I would like to point out in advance is constructed of malevolently uneven steps. I think we can all see where this is going. But for the slow amongst you(Hi Marie!), i'll spell it out; I fell over. And not just over. Down. And over.

Hoping to evince some sympathy from my fellow passengers on the ESCALATOR OF HELL I let out a storm of curses and then a bashful giggle. No response. 'Shut up you stupid culchie and stop falling over' their cruel D4 eyes said. And so I spent the next ten minutes wandering through the shelves slapping my head. I'll have to stick around up here till the librarians change shifts; I dont want them to think i'm uncool. Oh dear god, I must have hit my head in that fall.

Im worried that LIBRARIANS will think IM UNCOOL!!!

**Sidekick**

But I cant find no place or nothin' where thrills are cheap and love is divine.

Dusty, Kings of Leon

Seriously, I need a sidekick. Since the departure of my loyal companion Ms Marie Connolly from UCD (through no fault of her own, may I point out; the glandular fever she had in sixth year in lingering terribly long) I have felt increasingly alone. Without Marie around there is no one to talk to, no one to share my deepest thoughts and fears with, no one to tidy up after me. Instead, I am forced to wander the pathways of life alone, righting wrongs as I find them. If you have read this far you will now be wondering what the fuck I am talking about. What relevance does that quote at the top have? What are we doing here?!! Nothing, my friend, nothing at all. Ah, the wearisome emptiness of life.

**Making the world a better place one UCD student at a time**

Much Madness is divinest sense
To a discerning eye
Much sense the starkest Madness
Tis the majority
In this, as all, prevails.
Assent and you are Sane:
Demur,- You're straightaway dangerous
And handled with a Chain
Emily Dickinson

Due to the situation and reputation of my college I am forced to come into contact with a load of assholes on numerous occasions. Now I sound like a gay male prostitute or a colonic irrigation practitioner but I was in fact speaking metaphorically. A great number of these cerebrally challenged people are in my English tutorial. I think I was placed in their midst to give a good example. The first tutorial of the year was particularly excruciating. Not content with giving me an English tutor whose first language is Italian and is so bizarre she would shine at Hogwarts (School of Witchcraft and Wizardry people, get on board!), the English dept. thought it would be excellent fun if we all introduced ourselves and explained our love of the English language.

No, seriously.

After the rest of the group got finished explaining their devotion to literature and more than one asshole had admitted to knocking off the odd poem independently, Wanda (pronounced 'Vanda') got around to me. 'Yes?' she burbled.

A pause. 'My name's Lucy' I said. At this point I was unwilling to give much away.

Sensing she had a difficult customer on her hands, she prompted; 'And what do you love?'

Trying to atone for my bad manners, I attempted to lighten the mood. 'Well, obviously I love talking about myself!' I said with a wry smile.

Did anyone ever tell you that irony doesn't work on foreigners? Doesn't work on UCD English students either. Maybe its because they are so self consciously ironic already. The entire room continued to stare stonily at me while Wanda nodded encouragingly.

'Never mind' I muttered as she moved on to the JYA student to my right. And that, my friends, will teach you never to try to be funny when there's a UCD student around. They just don't get funny.