Oops. fucked up. Put the 'falling- up- steps- in- front- of- lecturer' story in the wrong column, surely should have been in the lucy fucks up column? oh, well we all make mistakes! We're all human really, arent we? Well except God, obviously. And, maybe the pope, im not too clear on his role in all this.
You know the pope right, he knows the third secret of fatima and he wont tell anyone- why? that is so dumb, he just wants to go 'ah, told ya so' when someone bombs us all. Scummy bastard.
Oh shit. Have lost point. bugger, bugger bugger...focus- wait, never had point! thats ok then!
*******LETTERS*TO*THE*EDITOR*******
This week mostly i have been eating jif lemon, mostly.
- Tomas Breen,Fruit n Nut
The teachers will KILL ME! They say that corporal punishment is gone, but its a lie, they hit me! - Grainne Walsh, former teacher
Theres a whole lotta lovin' goin' on, in my heart!
- Six, Irish pop sensation
Once upon a time, there was a moocow going down a lane...
- Mr James Joyce, novelist
See? SEE? I need more, more, MORE!
****************ASK*AUNTIE*LUCY************
Dear Auntie Lucy,
I have a problem; i keep giving my super- cool friend Lucy loads of vodka cos i want her to die so i can sell her organs on the black market. Not her liver obviously, that would be fucked from all the vodka. What is wrong with me?
Signed, A. Mullen
Dear A. Mullen,
Ooh. You are evil. Go away and live and Peru, and take all your vodka with you, we're god- fearing pioneers here in Ireland!
Dear Auntie Lucy,
Please help- my mum says you cant be my auntie cos shes got no sisters! Shes lying, right? Signed, anon.
Dear Mr A. Non,
Youre mother's a lying whore, dont believe a thing that bitch says- your dad aint even your father!
Dear Auntie Lucy,
I am fucked. i havent done an essay since before Christmas. I've three essays due this week. I've gone to two Art History lectures since the new year. Im gonna fail it for sure man, and the other subjects are pretty doubtful too. Please advise.
Signed, L. Aughney
Dear L. Aughney, Drop out of college and become an agony aunt- it worked for me.
************POETRY*CORNER***********
This so captures my feelings for the week ahead- i have like sixteen- million essays to write and a hectic television schedule to follow.
My candle burns at both ends-
It will not last the night.
But ah my foes and o, my friends,
It gives a lovely light!
- Edna St Vincent Millay
I shall have your heart, if not by gift, my knife
should carve it out. I shall have your heart, your life.
- Stevie Smith
Nice.
Could everyone please notice that i these letters are getting very dull and boring Not because i am dull and boring, but because i have stopped falling over things and dropping things.
In fact, bar the upsetting incident in History last Monday, I am becoming pretty damn stable and may even be considered a respectable and sane member of society.
Oh, except for my conker collection, which has started to sprout in my drawer. And my refusal to wash my favourite pair of socks.
And the increasingly frequent incidents where i choose to draw maps of the land of Middle- Earth from The Lord Of The Rings instead of writing essays.
And my irrational dislike of Americans.
And of Lorraine Keane.
Scratch the sane bit and i'm halfway there. And probably the respectable part- i sat on pizza on saturday night. And didnt realise it for ten minutes.
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