***THE*LUCY*AUGHNEY*NEWSLETTER***
See the new fonts I employ from time to time? See, here I have capitilised all the letters in the heading which I feel is very innovative and original. Innovation does not come for free however. And you wondered what you were paying for! (Im paying for this crap? you say)
Many people have approached me with the same whiny question on their lips: 'When are your writing your next newsletter, Lucy?'
'When Im good and ready dickhead!' I reply, sweeping my simpering inquisitor from my path with a vicious kick.
And so I must admit, I have been biding my time so as to make my eventual return all the more triumphant and glorious.
So here it is, glory in an email. And you thought that Simpsons one was good...
**Letters*to*the*editor**
Superheros cant be doctors.
Marie Connolly in a direct statement that will surely be contradicted by med student and soon to be superhero, Eavan McGovern
One day, on my way home from school, i felt a presence on the road beside me! A ghostly presence!
Pathetic Loser in my English class
I met Leo and were getting married!
Pathetic loser called Eavan McGovern
**Spectacular*Spectacular!**
Yes, the weekend just passed was that soon to be national holiday, Lucy's birthday. St Patricks day is just a cover, twas me who really got rid of the snakes from Ireland, you havent seen Celia in a while have you? Well, for all of you less adhesive friends who couldnt find the time to attend, it was the best night of my life! EVER! Even getting asked for ID repeatedly couldnt spoil my enjoyment of the evening. My mother telling me that I should stop drinking so much now I was 20 could though. Being older I can now appreciate the true quality of life, the gradual but continious slipping by of the days, the important things. And Im more mature. I coped surprisingly well with only recieving four birthday cards on Friday. I had stopped crying by Saturday.
**Romantic*encounters**
I wanna spread the news, that if feels this good getting used, oh you just keep on using me- until you use me up.
Use Me, Bill Withers
Increased security concerns at Edinburgh International Airport due to either the war in the Middle East or else just the presence of my family in the vicinity, security staff have become extra vigilint regarding the searching of outbound travellers. Which is the reason the metal detector lady gave me for the the brisk pat down she gave me last Wednesday. I didnt find it too upsetting but she was a wee bit flushed on completion. I attract admirers wherever i go.
**adventures*in*cyber*space**
'We don't want to conquer the cosmos, we simply want to extend the boundaries of earth to the frontiers of the cosmos.'
Solaris, Stanislaw Lem
The internet, i think we can all agree, was a pretty good invention of mine. It all started one wet afternoon in spring of '92 when there was nothing on the Den. Since then its come on in leaps and bounds and im pretty damn proud of it I can tell you. I am very glad to announce that Mr Tomas Breen with an address in Limerick (!) has been so good to allow little old me on to his smashing website. I havent recieved any information regarding my commission yet, but im sure its in the post (as are all my brithday cards i expect). Please do spare a moment from you busy day and attend, the thrilling shot of Donna's eyebrow is worth the trip alone.
**Ken*Smith*sighting!!**
The usually casually dressed Mr Ken Smith was spotted in HMV Grafton st a few weeks ago wearing something that looked suspiciously like a suit. Struck dumb and physicaly stunned by his appearance, our intrepid reporter failed to persue him out of the shop but upon later application Ms Grainne Walsh explained that Mr Smith is in town on business. I think we can safely draw from this that Ken was in our nation's fine capital checking up on his drug and whoring interests. Either that or a court date. He is from Limerick after all. This information has been confirmed by the fact that Mr Smith was hovering with an unnerving concentration over the Charlotte Church rack. Evil!
**Marie*Fucks*Up**
Marie is a f**king loon. Seriously. What follows is a complete transcrpit of a conversation I had with her on Sunday night, following my viewing of Spiderman. Really.
LUCY: Right, I have a question for ya.
MARIE: Right.
LUCY: Ok, what superhero would you most like to be- Superman, Batman, Spiderman or the incredible Hulk.
MARIE:Ew. Superman.
LUCY: What?! Why?! Superman is f**king gay!
MARIE: You say that to Lois Lane then.
LUCY: Hmm, ok- what power- if you were Spiderman now- what power would you most like-
MARIE: Errr...
LUCY: Right- Spidey sense of danger, Super human strength, lightening fast reflexes, web- slinging action or ability to climb up buildings.
MARIE: Oh. The reflex one.
LUCY: What? Why would you want that, that sucks.
MARIE: Well, what would you pick then?
LUCY: Hello, ability to climb up walls! Of course!
MARIE: Why, 'of course'?
LUCY: Cos its the f**king coolest of course, loser! Are you mental?! Why would you want the reflex one?
MARIE: So you could catch stuff if they fell over, like.
LUCY: ...? Right, heres one more- Who was the coolest Batman; Micheal Keaton, Val Kilmer or George Clooney?
MARIE: Val Kilmer
LUCY: -WHAT! Did you not hear me say 'George Clooney'???!!
MARIE: Yeh, so I like Val Kilmer, hes sexy.
LUCY: F**KING GEORGE CLOONEY WOMAN!
MARIE: Yeh, so, he was in ER like- a doctor cant be Batman.
LUCY: YOU F**KING LOON!
MARIE: Shut up.
LUCY: You shut up.
**Lucy*has*weird*dream*about*killing*spree!**
Dont really know what this means but if dreams actually do predict the future, you all might want to start saving so that ye can all club togetherto post my bail. (except those of you I intend killing of course...)
