Friday, July 09, 2004
09/07/2004
***The*Lucy*Newsletter***
Not quite. While it is undoubtedly correct to say that this electronic communication comes to you from the teeming and ingenious mind of Ms Lucy A, I am afraid that all previous stalwart favourites you have cherished has disappeared from the format of this newsletter. Yes that’s right: no Word of the Day; no hilarious anecdotes; no witty quotes or snippets of useless information. No Lucy F*cks up column even.
Before you initiate proceedings of breach of contract against my good self, let me remind you of your good fortune to be receiving ANY correspondence from me. I am at present a bigwig in the heady world of telecommunications regulation and have very little time to be wasting on absent randomers such as your selves.
Bear in mind also that membership of the Lucy A Newsletter mailing list stands for a veritable Who’s Who of Tramore society, which means you are pretty much top of the heap back here in little old Eire. When you eventually come crawling back to the Emerald Isle, pleading for return to the sweaty bosom of Irish citizenship, you will be allowed to associate with none other than Lucy herself, and if you are very lucky, she might let you buy her a drink. Now that is something to aspire to!
And before you ask, yes, I do enjoy referring to myself in the third person. Gives one a bit of class over everyday rabble. Thats you by the way. Blasted rabble!
**HOME*NEWS**
*Galway pub defies smoking ban- opens its doors to smoking customers.
*James Joyce letters to lover Nora Barnacle of a ‘naughty’ quality fetch over a quarter of a million Euros at auction in London. Would tell you the exact figure but numbers confuse me. *Politicians in uproar after revelations that Dáil bar has not been properly licensed to sell liquor for the past eighty years. Opposition insists the government ‘sobers up’ on policies. I made that last bit up. Clever, ain’t I?
**INTERNATIONAL*NEWS**
*Hiberno-Italian relations improve as Lucy gets chummy with new Italian housemates. Italian housemates delight Lucy with the wonders of their native language. ‘So far they have taught me “Go fuck yourself’ and ‘thank you lover, the sex was beautiful’’, Ms A revealed in an exclusive interview earlier today
*Democrat presidential candidate John Kerry names John Edwards as his running mate for the forthcoming American elections. One wonders why I bothered to remember this…
*Lucy extols virtues of quiet seaside town, Ballyshannon, Co. Donegal, where the stylish brunette recently spent a very enjoyable weekend. Said the intrepid traveller; ‘what do you mean it’s not ‘foreign’?! It’s fucking miles away!’
**SOCIAL*&*PERSONAL**
*Lisa Finnerty is knocked up. It’s official. Donna heard it off two people so it has to be true. *Celia O’Meara announces intention to play in Bowie’s place at Punchestown music festival Oxegen on Sunday. Concert promoters declared themselves ‘less than pleased’ with new line-up
*Irish publicans announce alarming downturn in bar profits for the month of June. Strange, that’s just when Marie left Ireland for Spain…
**SPORT**
*Ha! Seriously? You expect me to know anything about Sport?
*Er... Greece won the Euros? Sharapova won Wimbledon ladies and Henman got knocked out of the men’s? That’s all I got.
**WEATHER**
*Population of Ireland in complete shock as it fails to rain for two whole days. Drought predicted.
Wow. I’m really really bored now. I can’t think of anything else to say. Ye are all boring me to tears. Ye had better all write me thank-you notes for this lovely information bulletin! Then I will peruse them for grammatical and spelling errors, grade them (I forsee a lot of ‘could try harder’s) and send them back to you. I don’t CARE that you would all rather be out toasting yourselves in various corners of the Ozone-depleted globe and drinking ludicrously inexpensive coloured drinks with paper umbrellas in; grammar comes first. That and my amusement of course. God, I’m bored.
Ciao!
Adios!
Aloha!
A Bientot!
See y’all real soon!
Not quite. While it is undoubtedly correct to say that this electronic communication comes to you from the teeming and ingenious mind of Ms Lucy A, I am afraid that all previous stalwart favourites you have cherished has disappeared from the format of this newsletter. Yes that’s right: no Word of the Day; no hilarious anecdotes; no witty quotes or snippets of useless information. No Lucy F*cks up column even.
Before you initiate proceedings of breach of contract against my good self, let me remind you of your good fortune to be receiving ANY correspondence from me. I am at present a bigwig in the heady world of telecommunications regulation and have very little time to be wasting on absent randomers such as your selves.
Bear in mind also that membership of the Lucy A Newsletter mailing list stands for a veritable Who’s Who of Tramore society, which means you are pretty much top of the heap back here in little old Eire. When you eventually come crawling back to the Emerald Isle, pleading for return to the sweaty bosom of Irish citizenship, you will be allowed to associate with none other than Lucy herself, and if you are very lucky, she might let you buy her a drink. Now that is something to aspire to!
And before you ask, yes, I do enjoy referring to myself in the third person. Gives one a bit of class over everyday rabble. Thats you by the way. Blasted rabble!
**HOME*NEWS**
*Galway pub defies smoking ban- opens its doors to smoking customers.
*James Joyce letters to lover Nora Barnacle of a ‘naughty’ quality fetch over a quarter of a million Euros at auction in London. Would tell you the exact figure but numbers confuse me. *Politicians in uproar after revelations that Dáil bar has not been properly licensed to sell liquor for the past eighty years. Opposition insists the government ‘sobers up’ on policies. I made that last bit up. Clever, ain’t I?
**INTERNATIONAL*NEWS**
*Hiberno-Italian relations improve as Lucy gets chummy with new Italian housemates. Italian housemates delight Lucy with the wonders of their native language. ‘So far they have taught me “Go fuck yourself’ and ‘thank you lover, the sex was beautiful’’, Ms A revealed in an exclusive interview earlier today
*Democrat presidential candidate John Kerry names John Edwards as his running mate for the forthcoming American elections. One wonders why I bothered to remember this…
*Lucy extols virtues of quiet seaside town, Ballyshannon, Co. Donegal, where the stylish brunette recently spent a very enjoyable weekend. Said the intrepid traveller; ‘what do you mean it’s not ‘foreign’?! It’s fucking miles away!’
**SOCIAL*&*PERSONAL**
*Lisa Finnerty is knocked up. It’s official. Donna heard it off two people so it has to be true. *Celia O’Meara announces intention to play in Bowie’s place at Punchestown music festival Oxegen on Sunday. Concert promoters declared themselves ‘less than pleased’ with new line-up
*Irish publicans announce alarming downturn in bar profits for the month of June. Strange, that’s just when Marie left Ireland for Spain…
**SPORT**
*Ha! Seriously? You expect me to know anything about Sport?
*Er... Greece won the Euros? Sharapova won Wimbledon ladies and Henman got knocked out of the men’s? That’s all I got.
**WEATHER**
*Population of Ireland in complete shock as it fails to rain for two whole days. Drought predicted.
Wow. I’m really really bored now. I can’t think of anything else to say. Ye are all boring me to tears. Ye had better all write me thank-you notes for this lovely information bulletin! Then I will peruse them for grammatical and spelling errors, grade them (I forsee a lot of ‘could try harder’s) and send them back to you. I don’t CARE that you would all rather be out toasting yourselves in various corners of the Ozone-depleted globe and drinking ludicrously inexpensive coloured drinks with paper umbrellas in; grammar comes first. That and my amusement of course. God, I’m bored.
Ciao!
Adios!
Aloha!
A Bientot!
See y’all real soon!
