To all of you who attended my fabulous birthday celebrations last weekend and brought a present, I thank you. And I promise to spend all my birthday money in a frivolous and feckless manner, in tribute to the lighthearted twenty- year old I once was. To all of you who came out but did not bring presents, I say, the excuse of the postal strike can only last so long. And to all of you scum suckers who neither came out, sent a present OR shared saliva with me in the name of birthday kissing, I scorn you. Ha! A plague on all your houses!
If you would like this plague removed, you may do so by presenting me with a belated birthday gift, specifically the one thing I asked EVERYONE for yet did not receive yet: bed socks.
I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both blows and sucks.
Bart Simpson, The Simpsons
Wow I had a bad day today. Really, really bad. Like The Sweetest Thing bad. First of all, i got up. Bad move. Then I was a wee bit late for first lecture, which is in yer woman's office and had to go find a chair and no body would move to let me in... So we didn't start well. Then I found out about having to do extra classes cos we haven't finished the course yet... and we have a test in two weeks...and an essay i didn't know about for next week, all in the space of the first fifteen minutes, so it was really escalating rapidly. You've got to admire the speed of it all, really.
Then I went to the library to work on my CV which depressed me for many reasons:
a) computers hate me and keep deleting my work
b) I cant spell
c) I have no marketable skills
d) I don't really want a job
e) none of my teachers got back to me so its still not finished cos cant put down any references
Then after fannying about with computers all morning, I went to my English lecture which was extremely depressing because I haven't read the book yet, or any on the course in fact, which is a wee bit of a downer when your exams start in four weeks. After that I had a boring Irish Revolution lecture that went on too long and was late for my English tutorial which...
... wasn't in the place it was supposed to be in cos yer woman was sick and another teacher was taking it and it was all on close reading for the exams and we did this Seamus Heaney poem about folding bedsheets from the washing line with his mother, and this A**HOLE thought it had sexual connotations and it was really about being in bed with a lover and then this other asshole started talking about images it cast in her screwed-up mind involving Seamus Heaney naked and playing in the sheets and I was just sitting there going: 'Dear God; I am surrounded by idiots.'
And the worst thing is the one giving the tutorial was pretty sound and said clever stuff and the whole way through i was thinking why isn't SHE my tutor all the time, then I wouldn't be in physical pain every Thursday afternoon while that other FOOL of a tutor I normally have is bullsh*tting on about stupid crap and laughing her stupid laugh and looking at me like I have mental difficulties cos im not laughing too.
And then when we were leaving the tutorial this girl, whose name is Fanny (no, really) started talking about Bleak House and I made my joke about being lost in the lectures cos I had listened to it on tape and it was abridged, ho ho! and all the rest of them were on the stairs behind me, silent. No laughter, not a titter (load of tits though, ha ha). Just looking at me like I was insane. Which I obviously am.
So, I headed off to my history lecturer's office to ask HIM to give me a reference and he wasnt there and I was just like, leaning against the door, knocking away going; 'Why me?' and then Linda bloody Martin's stupid Eurovision song got stuck in my head for the next two hours.
You may think, Gee, Lucy sure is overdramatising this a lot! So she has a lot of work to do, and everybody thinks she's a fool and nobody likes her and shell never get a job or a reference even, so what?!!
I've said it once before but it bears repeating...
Fell in Love with a Boy, Joss Stone
Wow, whole lotta asterisks there! And in Gaul in the second century BC, ho ho! Gettit? Not content at having the worst day of my life today, I sealed my fate romantically by disgracing myself in front of the love of my life on Tuesday, that's right, my dear, dear history lecturer! Chatting amiably about such intellectual matters as Footballer's Wives and how many calories in a contraband can of coke (coke is banned in our college; did you know that?) with my fellow students in hip UCD hangout, Hilpers cafe, I decided to perform my renowned (not really) impression of my English seminar leader (whose name I will suppress as I have asked him for a reference).
[By the way, can I draw everyone's attention to my overuse of parentheses in the last paragraph? Parentheses is a posh way of saying 'brackets', by the way.]
Throwing myself into my comic role with aplomb, I slouched back in my seat, spread my legs like I was hung like a donkey, stuck my fingers into my belt loops, threw out my stomach defiantly and growled menacingly out of the corner of my snarling lips. Reckless, Lucy, reckless.
At this point in my little rendition, I usually pause for laughs, but laughter came there none. Joanne kicked me sharply under the table.
'Lucy! There he is!'
To my horror, my beloved swaggered by, with nary a glance to my prostrate form. I gaped as he strode away, a paper cup of coffee clutched in his manly, yet tender, hands. What new torment is this?! Must I always be doing something stupid when he's around??!!
Going on my track record of invariably doing stupid things all the time, i'd have to say yes.
Lala lala la- warm it up,Lala lala la- the boys are waiting...
Did you know that Milkshake by Kellis is not that innocent tune you thought it was, extolling the joys of a delicious ice-cold milk drink, but is in fact a disgusting, porno song promoting fellatio? I didn't. I almost didn't know what fellatio was for a minute there either, but I found out!
Ah, the wonders of a university education!